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Real-Life Thoughts Of a Working Mom

Real-Life Thoughts Of a Working Mom

Travelling for work sounds fancy – but this is the real-life part of it.

It’s 4 am – I’m freezing and beyond tired.

Sitting on a  Canadian air plane with hot black tea, as I needed something warm, and a bag of pretzels in front of me.

Thoughts are shifting from the purpose of life to let me finally sleep and back. 

This life is crazy.

The full moon is following us all the way from Toronto to Raleigh, it’s shining brightly and is bigger than last time.

Somehow the moon is always earthing me, bringing me down to what really counts.

Being alone here isn’t it. I miss my family and try to shift the thought from missing to being thankful that I am loved. 

fly me to the moon

It will be a firework of kisses and hugs when I return. How lucky am I?

That’s the essence, the purest kind of life purposes, family hugs, wet toddler kisses, husband hugs that feel like safe haven, unity.

I’m almost 20 hours awake now and after so many hours of travelling the only important thought is about my two men, snuggled up home deeply sleeping in our bed. 

This is the second time that I travel alone since our son is born. I miss him like crazy, his tiny little hand searching for me in the night to sleep, assured that he’s safe. His hugs so tight and so full of love around my neck.

That is all that matters, he, my husband, my family. I needs sometimes a full moon night all alone to remember what is known deep inside. We forget too offen because daily life occupies and stresses us too much. 

All the small wonderful moments, nothing more is needed to be happy.

Being so far away is somehow scary, as a mom you not only start to feel a love beyond imagination, you also start to worry in a way you never thought about. 

Many of the worries are like an instinct and naturally good, they serve you and don’t disturb. But there are also worries which my husband would call ridiculous. Moms “What ifs” like “what if he falls and I cannot hug him and kiss the pain away as I always do?”. Yes, that one is maybe ridiculous because I know that  his dad can take care, I know that I cannot protect him his entire life, I know he will handle it without me, but was someone ever thinking about me?

I want to be there, I am not ready to let go, I feel the pain deeper than anything as he’s the most important part of me. Oh my, did I write that?

Am I now a ridiculous helicopter mom?

No, I’m not and I can tell you why.

Because I am sitting on a plane on the other of the globe, I left him alone with my husband and I know that this is more than fine. Rational I know all of it! I let him discover the world and am not overprotective, even if I would like to be.

But emotionally, mentally, this is the hardest part of motherhood, letting go.

I put the pretzels in my bag. I guess my suitcase will be full of tiny things for him because he likes them. Apart from that, it’s 4:30 am – who eats pretzels at this time?

Ok, it’s 10:30 pm over here but I have mentally not arrived in this time zone. I could sleep standing now.

We prepare for landing and the thing what I want most now is rush as fast as I can to the hotel, jump into the bed and fall asleep thinking of how safe and sound he sleeps next to my husband. 

As long as you are working, the missing subsides a tiny bit…

Its 3 pm – four days later. Bright daylight and with short sleeves on the plane to Toronto. You can’t believe how good that feels. These past days were great, tired, new, exhausted, successful, and so much more. I worked more than on normal days but staying in a hotel and evenings in restaurants also meant I had less to do after work than on normal days at home. No cooking, washing, cleaning. Many pros and cons, at the end, the cons definitely are more because everything I see while travelling is only my memory and especially when I discover new areas I want to share these memories. I want to tell my husband “do you remember that humid warm evening where we went to the Angus Barn in Durham and had a delicious steak?”. I want to ask my son if he liked all those big trucks on the street which are much bigger than what we see at home.

I can’t. I can try to capture as much as I want on photographs but at the end of the day it will only be my memory.

There is still a long flight ahead of me and many thoughts to come and words to write but for now I just stare out of the window, let my eyes be blinded by the white clouds we fly through, and dream away so that my soul rests. I’m getting closer to home, the place where my heart beats faster and feels more at ease, surrounded by my family and hugged and kissed. Soon.

It’s 11pm and we just departed – that’s 5am in Germany already and means we will surely not arrive as planned.

First we were getting a one-hour delay due to bad weather conditions, which I personally love so much. The incoming plane wasn’t allowed to land on time because of heavy rain. Great! And I’m sitting at the airport and wonder if we are allowed to start once the plane is there or if these weather conditions influence our start as well. I already thought about a bumpy ride back. 

But – because of late arrival – our plane got an outside parking position to be fast ready to go (instead of waiting for a free gate). Sounds good, right? Our plane also got covered stairs for us! They care that we are not getting wet on the way from the shuttle to the plane, wohoo. Another plus!

Did I say stairs? I’d rather become wet instead after what happened then. It took the ground staff in Toronto over an hour to get exactly these stairs DEtached. It sounds like a joke but that really happened.

Means we are now in total 3 hours behind and I hate it. 

But why do I hate it? 

I could list several reasons why. I’m tired and hungry, it will take three more hours until I’m finally back home, this week was already long enough, all these things are annoying.

But, what if all of this happened for a reason?

What if we would have ended up in a thunderstorm when departing on time, what if?

There are a million things in life where we won’t be able to find answers, to know why it happened exactly the way it does. But what we know is what is now. Now I am sitting on a plane. I am fine, food will come soon and then I can sleep.  When I wake up I will be much closer to my loved ones. All is fine!

Trust and focus on the good and all is fine. 

The end of the story are indeed hugs and kisses. A tired mom who plays for hours, trying to catch up on the missed time, lots of stories to tell and a warm feeling inside of me to be where I belong. Looking back you may even say that all these thoughts were not necessary, but no, they were. And they will always be, because they are me, all of this is me. Reflecting, thinking, dreaming, listening, hoping, discovering, and so much more is within these thoughts that I will never stop cherishing these full-moon nights, these lonely moments where you are grounded even in a plane across an ocean. This is life.

If you want to read more from me – just jump into my archive and see what post it guides you to. Life is about trust, maybe you pick exactly what you need at this time.

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How to create a safe space for your children?

Safe space for children

As  a full-time working mom of a two and a half year old I’m always struggling between feeling completely guilty and the worst mom ever and feeling wonderful and organized and the best mom on earth.

This diversity is driving me nuts even if I know at the end of each day, good and bad days, that I truly am the best mom on earth for MY child.

I feel so often guilty as I would like to spend much more time with him, even if I pick him up at the kindergarten in the afternoon it’s not just time for us but we need to do things he not prefers at all (like grocery shopping or playing alone while “mummy need to write just a couple of emails and then I am fully with you” lies as it often takes more time and then the guilt sets in.

But why am I doing all of this, why am I not quitting and jump to the full-time mom job?

Simply because we cannot afford it and this is not a unique situation, it’s the struggle of sooooo sooooo many other moms out there.

We work hard and we do all of this for our families. We don’t go shopping just for us anymore, each earned cent is in first place for our children, they deserve a warm home, a safe space, clothes, toys, food they like and apparently is mainly healthy – I never went so often into the whole food stores before I had a child. It started when I was pregnant and when I knew I’m NOW responsible for a human, a tiny human incapable of taking care of himself. But that’s another story.

So how do I cope with this guilt and how do I try to create the safest space on earth for this little boy?

1

I first of all love him like nothing else on earth! And I’m telling him, obviously. He needs to know that he’s love from the bottom of our hearts and souls and that he is perfect exactly the way he is.

oh child of mine

2

Second I try to be there for him whenever he needs me – why try? Because he’s going into the Kindergarten and even if I would like to be there 24/7 I need to let go for a couple of hours per day. But, and that’s the good thing, I see how happy he is there and how wonderful they take care of my child. 

3

Third is that I listen – he’s just now starting to speak in sentences and I listen, I don’t start to correct directly or just let him talk, I want to hear and understand what he is saying. He’s not talking because he loves talking, he’s talking because he wants to be heard.

we are his home

4

Fourth is quite easy as I always referred to our home as a nest, he should live in a warm and loving home, we share a family bed and he has his bed attached so that he can decide where he wants to sleep, snuggled up between us or on “his own” in his bed. Our home should be the safest place on earth for him. Here he lives, his toys belong to our living room in the same way as our “toys” belong there. There is no mine and yours, it’s our home. He can for instance reach fruit when he likes to eat a banana or an apple, his water bottle is always standing filled somewhere within his reach, he can move through the flat like he wants to (only the bathroom and the kitchen is “locked” as long as he’s not understanding that flushing the toilet 5 times in 2 minutes isn’t funny or that the stove gets hot if you press the buttons and that this is dangerous.

wooden toys

5

Fifth is not really easy but crucial – I am not a bad mom, I am not a bad mom, I am not a bad mom…

Acknowledge that you are not perfect, that you make mistakes, that you are not always the mom you would like to be, because you are human.

We make mistakes, we learn, we cry, we regret, we should know better but am stuck, we are exhausted, we shout, we heat up a pizza instead of cooking, we break down and night and still we are there and take care as soon as our child just moves while asleep, all that we are makes us the mom our children need.

At the end of each day we love our children, we don’t harm them, we try to do everything we can to make their life the most wonderful life a child can have with all possibilities we have.

We should tell ourselves much more that we are great in what we are doing and that we do enough. Nobody can give 110% every minute of her life, to expect that from ourselves is far from reality. 

I could start now and go on with number 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, … 100, 101, … but in the end all that counts is that you are there for your child and that you do the best of what you think is the best.

Moms tend to criticize each other like crazy but it’s not worth it -we all want the best and there are millions of ways of what is the best. 

Hug your child/children, tell them you love them, listen to what they tell us and enjoy being with them.

These crazy days of sleepless night will one day be a memory, these days of anger attacks and crying for no (for us) visible reason will fade, these tiny hands that grab ours will grow and let go, these wet kisses will become a “don’t mom, the others will think I’m a baby”, all of our struggles will not be what we will remember. We will remember the purest kind of love, we will remember the smell of our child after it was born, we will remember the brightest smile and the first steps. For all of that being there as you are is the most important you can do to let them grow in their safe space.

I love you, my son – thanks for making me one of these real moms who are messy, crazy, loud, laughing and most of all LOVING like never before <3

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Are there still real blogs or is everyone sponsored?

Are there still real blogs or is everyone sponsored?

Real Blog

I would lie if I wouldn’t think about sponsored blog posts, it’s nice if you get something for your work, isn’t it?

I mean, honestly, I write because I love to write and I publish my writing because?

Because I would love to start discussions, receive some feedback, connect with others BUT this won’t happen. It’s not happening because this tiny blog here is my hobby.

I’m not professional when it comes to setting up a blog because I have no time for it – I’m a mom, a full-time worker, a wife, a woman, I cannot be as professional as someone who works in that area.

But what I am, and this is something I can ensure, I am real.

So what? I am happy and thankful for the few readers I have and my eyes light up whenever I receive a comment on one of my posts because it’s something special.

I may not be perfect but who is?

What I wonder about indeed is this whole influencer story. What means influencer? I try to influence my readers, followers, friends, family, correct?

Do I want to influence or rather be someone who is showing reality?

This feeling that everyone recently is sooooooo excited and soooooooo in love with each and every new item is something I don’t believe.

Many influencers are sitting in their stylish clean designer house, they drive the newest car and have the happiest marriage, their kids are little dressed up mannequins and life is perfect. That’s what they show us.

But is that what we want to see? Really?

Where are the messy moms who barely are able to shower once per day because either a cranky kid is hanging on her leg or she is just too tired in the evening after a day full of work, grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, kids and who prefer to spend an hour sitting on the floor building wooden castles instead of blow drying their hair for the perfect look?

Where are the wives with not so perfect marriages, the women who would love to wipe a shiny floor again for a YouTube video but who struggle to walk through the house without stepping on toys.

Where are all of you?

Don’t tell me I’m the only one with a messy life, the only one who dreams of a spa weekend (or better week) but who would miss her kids and her husband too much to leave them behind?

I think I knocked myself latest with this post out of the influencer circle unless there is someone out there who wants an authentic opinion.

I like that yogurt because I really like it or I don’t like the yogurt because it sucks. I can explain both scenarios, don’t worry, but I would not tell you it’s so delicious that I recommend it to everyone out there. Maybe you want a messy mom, then this here is my application.

A blog with a handful of real readers, a twitter account that is linked to everything I post but where I have no idea if someone indeed read something there, an Instagram account which I absolutely love and which has quite a decent number of followers but the majority of them is either sleeping 24/7 or lost their phones as interaction is rarely, ah, and my Facebook account, I love facebook but also there the interaction mainly takes place in secret mommy groups instead of public on my profile.

I can recommend everything I like and I indeed do and maybe even be able to influence, but I cannot sell a fridge to a penguin and I don’t want to do that either.

Are you real or are you sponsored?

#thisisNOTasponsoredpost 😉

 

 

 

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A day in the life of a working mum…

 

A day in the life of a working mum…without childcare

toddler at home

Let me show you a typical working day with a toddler at home.

8.00 am – 9.30 am – I actually work

9.30 am – the toddler wakes up

Washing him and changing diapers, breastfeeding, carrying him, sitting and rocking , playing, emptying the dishwasher, starting the washing machine, feed him, playing, answering the phone, breastfeed again, dressing him, reading mails in between, answering IMs from colleagues…

…and all of a sudden it’s 11.45 am.

He yawns.

So off to the bed, breastfeeding until he drifts off into sleep.

12.01 pm conference call

12.25 pm – the toddler (who found out recently how to leave the family bed on his own) taps into the room (seriously, only half an hour where I hoped for at least triple that time to get work done).

Breastfeeding number 4 – he still doesn’t want to eat, I tried.

I shift clothes from the washing machine into the dryer, make soap bubbles to entertain my son and try to answer some emails in between.

12.45 pm – I feel like a cow as he’s sitting on my lap latched again – number 5 for today and no end in sight. I truly love it but when you work you wish that he just eats his bread, yogurt, fruit, instead of occupying me every minute of the day (although he has the right for sure).

1.00 pm – my husband is home so that I can finally work properly at least for a while.

1.30 pm – I cooked pasta for my son with the end result that he ate exactly two while I ate the salad from yesterday evening.

It’s now 2.00 pm – I have a conference call soon that needs preparation (at 3.30 pm) and my lovely toddler sits on the floor beside me, makes noises with a paper box and yawns.

At least I can answer emails again – the sound would have disturbed me a year ago but hey, you’re getting used to focus even when it’s completely noisy around you.

2:30 pm – he ate a few bites of bread and the last was spit well chewed on the floor, and not on the wooden part, no, on the carpet so that I need to clean it with more efforts than on the wooden floor. Still no sign of being ready to sleep, I know after 14 months when it makes sense to lay down with him and when not. In his current mood we would spend an hour in the bed and he wouldn’t sleep so I let him play with the hope that he is soon really tired.

3.00 pm – less than 30 min left until my conference call and my toddler isn’t tired at all – the only option will be that he stays with his dad.

3:29 pm and he’s ‘talking’ loudly with his dad in the bedroom – I have a toddler resistant to sleep on some days. He will sleep, exactly then when we would like to go outside and do some grocery shopping.

Just happy that it’s Friday and this work week is almost over.

4.00 pm – he seems to sleep as I don’t hear anything but I can’t check as I need to jump from one conference call into the next, fortunately the last for today.

For this call I only need to listen so I can start to think about what to cook for dinner today and what we need to buy before shops are closing.

5.30 pm – I’m stuck in that call longer than expected and meanwhile all are awake again so I’m sitting on my desk with a muted headset, my son is running around and wondering what mommy is doing, breastfeeding number 6 for today (I’m not sure if I missed some already as it’s so normal these days) and I’m annoyed because I would give everything to just throw the laptop and enjoy the time with my family. But this job is paying lots what we love in our life and quitting is not an option, besides it is a great job at many times but just now I wish I would be a millionaire not caring for such things as conference calls.

Am I the only one or are other working moms also feel guilty not to be there 100% for their children. I’m apologizing so often to him although he won’t understand a word I’m saying that I still need to do this or that before we can play.

It’ll be past 6.00 pm when I finally am off work and then the private stress will start – what do we really need today, is there something that can’t wait until tomorrow? Cooking dinner is hanging like the Damocles sword above me because I long to have a bit time for NOTHING. No thinking, no you need to, you have to, have you already or when will you – just a quiet hour to recharge but that won’t happen until my son sleeps which recently is rarely before midnight.

I send this post now, unfinished, as the rest of the day until I will fall into my bed (or better until I try to go to my side of the bed without waking him up) I won’t find the time anymore. If I don’t send it now it may sit in my drafts for the next weeks.

That’s motherhood, a day of a working mom without childcare, a crazy day with a toddler, that’s my life and even if it is often beyond exhausting I would NEVER EVER change it back.

Stay strong – we are strong!

And stay away of the thought to be perfect, nobody needs to be perfect! My messy hair will be in a bun in 5 minutes to leave the house and if you look around then you will see many imperfections, so no worries. Most important now is a happy toddler and that’s why I’m off into the weekend now. Bye