I’m sitting in the kindergarten and am not believing what I’ve seen.
My son, the little one who sleeps only with me or his dad, is actually sleeping.
It’s the first day where we wanted to try if he may sleep and he’s surprising us all.
This little bunch of energy was on the arm of his kindergarten teacher and she rocked him into sleep.
Help, this is another point which seems to be harder for me as a mom than for him during this integration phase.
My baby does not need me.
I know I know – it’s not true and surely he needs me and I will be there for him until my last breath but these mini steps away from me always show me how grown up he already is.
The tiny baby is walking through his toddler life and he has a strong will and confidence – we gave him the unconditional love and he knows he can count on us.
He trusts and when I say “I pick you up later, my love” he knows that I will be there.
My heart is bursting – I’m so proud of this little fellow ♥️
As a mom of a 17 months old toddler who is incredibly active I cannot remember when I slept for 8 hours in a row. It must have been before he was born. Maybe my breastfeeding dementia is tricking me, but seriously: I MISS SLEEPING How are you all handling it? There are millions of moms out there who all went a similar path and we are all still here and 99% of hour days purely happy to have awesome kids. Is it in our genetics? I truly think so often in the morning that I have no idea how to make it through the day and then in the end I lay with my son in our bed, for him preferably past midnight (early sleeping is for adults, not for babies or toddlers), and fall asleep in the second he sleeps. If you ask me how I handle it – I have not the slightest idea. Don't expect answers here – moreover I would love to hear your thoughts – there must be someone who knows it, right? Famous tips are lots of coffee or wine (which are surely not meant literally) and both won't work as my toddler is still breastfeeding in the morning and evening and night (and sometimes depending on his mood throughout the day) and no, I don't intend to feed him until he is an adult but for the time being it's mostly ok for us. I'm not superwoman and I would lie if I would say always because there are early mornings or late evenings where I would love to give him a pacifier in his own bed and close the door. But our was is different, that's how it is and it's perfect the way it is as I love late night snuggles or how he puts his tiny legs on mine to get closer or snuggles up next to my husband in the morning. And here I am, writing about sleep deprivation and in the end I tell you how cute and lovely and tiny and wonderful my son is and these sleepless nights or mornings are almost forgotten. Motherhood is magical, isn't it?
I’m soooo tired and I read Dr Jay Gordon’s article a couple of times thinking about if that’s a way for us.
Tonight I tried it the very first time.
I cannot even tell you what time it is right now as we are laying in our family bed and the room is dark except of a hidden salt lamp in a corner which gives a tiny bit of light for us as orientation.
Rami went to bed with me as usual, we snuggled and then I breastfed him into sleep.
I have no idea how often I fed him since then as he turns around quite often to get soothed and I stopped counting.
Being tired and exhausted due to this lack of sleep seemed almost normal but tonight I gave it s first try and I’m so so so thankful for this advice.
When Rami turned towards me the felt 100th time tonight I started to rub his back instead of feeding him, talking to him, explaining him that it’s still nighttime and that we go back to sleep.
As expected he started to be angry not to say very very angry.
He didn’t expect me to that as he always got exactly what he wanted for the past 13 months and 2 days or better said nights.
I was prepared (by the article and by fellow moms who did it already) and he started to cry, heartbreaking tears on my babies / toddlers cheeks to dry.
I took him up, trying to rock him like we used to when he was younger but my little stubborn child got more angry.
He flipped and turned and cried, a really angry crying as if he wanted to shout at me “how dare you, mommy”.
I knew it wouldn’t be easy but his crying is really hurting me on the core of my soul.
I stay “hard” and hug him and rock him and soothe him and step by step he started to calm down.
Sobbing the way they do after a long cry but he calms down.
We lay down snuggled up, he lays in my arms and I tell him stories of what we did that day and that we go tomorrow to the playground again, that the sun is hopefully shining brightly when we wake up and that we watch out for dogs again like we used to. He will run after the doves again and we walk to the swing, all these things I tell him and he relaxes more and more, holding my hands while listening with wide open eyes to my voice.
His face looks calm now in the bare shadow of the light and I fall head over heels in love with this little boy again, like every day.
I can’t believe that we made it, the first time in the middle of the night where he is calm without breastfeeding and he looks at me as if he wants to say “it’s ok, mommy, I’m fine. Let’s sleep now as long as I am allowed to be close to you”.
He is allowed to be as close to me as he wants and while I sing to him he turns around in my arms having his nose close to mine, yawning and closing his eyes.
He sleeps and I could cry now.
He’s the purest kind of love I’ve ever met and I never thought that this “hard” way will bring us even closer than before.
Breastfeeding is the closest way of being together is what I thought but it’s not true anymore. He’s growing and our relationship is starting to go to another level.
I write it all down not to forget these precious first moments.
For sure we will continue to breastfeed and this was just the very first night of trying to get nights of sleep but during daytime he can drink lots of his milk as well as in the morning after he woke up and at night when we go and sleep.
This wonderful routine won’t stop for another couple of months I assume and that’s OK!
He deserves the best, my little love ❤️
(So far gone already and before I even introduce Rami, my son, to you I write about last night. This is where we are right now but surely you will read more stories how we got here soon!)