The most wonderful time…

The most wonderful time…

… of the year is when?

I am a summer person so I should say summer, shouldn’t I?

But there are days in winter I like as well so here I already have a tiny problem to define my most wonderful time.

And if I think further I gave birth to my son in spring, so this time would be supposed to be mine.

Our wedding in August, we are going on summer vacation in August as well, August has long warm summer evenings and we wake up because the bright summer sun is lighting up the bedroom.

What about the golden September days, the end of the summer where we enjoy the still warm sunshine.

In October the first real autumn days are approaching us. Leaves are falling and make funny sounds when we walk through the park.

In November I’ve been born, winter is slowly showing us its face. Nights are starting to be colder and the air in the morning already smells snowy.

In December we like the snowflakes dancing through the cold air, the kitchen is warm and we start to bake Christmas cookies and look forward to spend the Christmas days with family and friends.

In January a new year just begun. We feel as if we have a million possibilities of things we can do throughout that year, we plan, we hope, we look forward to what it has in store for us.

In February my parents have their birthdays and a snowy Phase often starts before we will see the first signs of spring. We settle slowly into the still new year and wait for the warmth to return.

In March the spring feeling hits us, we drink coffee again outside, still in warm jackets but the outside season starts after we were inside for a long cold winter.

In April some days can we really warm already. Our son was born and lights up our life each second since. My sister and best friend are also having their birthdays in April.

In May everything blooms, this time of the year is so wonderful, I start to hear people outside in the evenings and this “life” in the city raises my mood. Almost everyone seems to smile because the dark days are over for a good while.

June is always my busy month to plan our summer vacation. I know there are early booking advantages but somehow I am the last (very last) minute person. However, we spent great summer holidays so far so it doesn’t seem to be too bad.

July is packed with sunshine. We try to spend as much time outside as possible and enjoy this summer atmosphere in the city.

Vacation time starts mid August and ends always with my husbands birthday followed by our wedding anniversary ❤️

So now, how should I decide which time of the year I like most?

If I would ask my son he would answer NOW, simply because he does not have this time feeling yet. If he wants something he wants it directly, not in 5 minutes and surely not tomorrow or next month or even year.

He lives NOW and this is one of the biggest lessons he teaches me day in and day out.

Now is the best time of the year, now is the best time of our life, now is all that matters.

Everything I do now will influence my tomorrow so if I complain the whole day long I may think the next day that I wasted a whole day for nothing, which will make me mad again – this is a vicious circle, it draws me into a life of complaining.

But if I cherish what I have and start to make the best out of even the darkest moments, then I wake up the next day and I will be grateful for what I have.

Be here now and love your life the way you want to – we only have this one!

Much love to you, you are in the most wonderful time of the year now, tomorrow and every day after!

Mommy time is night time…

Mommy time is night time…

…or better said the time when everyone is asleep besides herself.

When to relax and finally have just a little “Me” time?

When nobody wants something from me. When no child is tired or cranky or needs mommy. When my husband is completely busy like now on the phone with his Libyan guys or if he sleeps next to our son.

Time for me and instead of actually DOING something I’m laying next to a snoring toddler in a half dark bedroom and I type. I type my thoughts out of my brain and onto this blog (which started as a combined yoga/relationship/life wisdom blog and feels now like a one in a million mom blog).

I have so many things I would long to do but right here right now I’m too lazy to go back to the living room even if I know there’s some nicely prepared fruit on the table and that means what?

I am exhausted and tired.

Moms are sometimes exhausted and tired and yes, that’s ok!

Even more, it has to be like that!

I mean, seriously, let a man do what we accomplish day in and day out and hear what he will say.

I don’t doubt that there are some men out there who are able to handle our job perfectly, absolutely! But the focus lays on ‘some’. The majority will break down latest on the morning of day two (if not already after a messy day one).

Did I just mention my husband?

He came in and told me that he ate ALL the fruit while being on the phone and now he cuts a nectarine for me and I eat it in bed 😊

We need to be pampered once in a while!

People water plants day by day but they forget their spouses.

If your wife is having a warm dinner ready for you EACH evening, show her that you appreciate it – we need these things like plants need water!

I want to do some yoga since weeks and what am I doing instead?

Laying in bed eating nectarines. And should I tell you something? That’s OK! My muscles are sore anyway because I went the past two days with the bicycle to the kindergarten and as always last minute, so I simply deserve this moment now because I do enough!

I run through my life, from kindergarten to work, from work to kindergarten, from kindergarten to household to cooking to grocery shopping to playtime in between all of this and to being a wife in the evening when our son sleeps.

Isn’t that schizophrenia?

I understand each and every single mom out there who is about to shout a loud Stop once in a while.

We are no machines and we need time to be just ourself.

At least a few minutes. Please.

I go ahead and eat my nectarines now and just take this moment as a “that’s exactly what I need right now ” moment!

No regrets!

Take care of yourself my dear moms – you all are doing a fantastic job!

Six years ago…

Six years ago...

Six years ago…

Six years ago I would’ve never pictured my life the way it is now.

Six years ago I planned my first single vacation in Italy

Six years ago I tried to become happy again just on my own and with myself.

Six years ago I was far away from thinking about my own wedding.

Six years ago I was not thinking that a man would step into my life and turn it upside down so quickly.

Six years ago I wasn’t even aware where exactly Libya is on the map (I knew Northern Africa, but that’s all I knew).

Six years ago I wasn’t able to touch my toes easily.

Six years ago I never imagined myself being a yogi.

Six years ago I never thought that I will have my own blog.

Six years ago I tried to get more balance in my life.

Six years ago I wouldn’t have cooked lamb meat.

Six years ago I thought Prada shoes are what I desperately need.

Six years ago my life was completely different.

Six years ago I had not the slightest idea of how wonderful motherhood feels like.

Six years ago I didn’t know that I would have a sweet family of three in a few years.

Six years ago I had no idea where Libya is.

Six years ago I just wanted to put my head under the blanket and wait for better times.

Six years ago I told myself I had to look up again.

Six years ago I thought all doors are closed.

Six years ago I wasn’t able to imagine how loved I will be six years later.

Six years ago are thankful six years ago and there were so so so many lessons learned since then. Life changes and so did I – taking a step back to see where I am today is good. I look back and am thankful, thankful of how it all turned out, thankful of the past, thankful of each single tear, thankful of being strong enough to change what can be changed and thankful that I am today right here, right now.

How was your life six years ago?

Greetings from the past but living and loving the now from misssfaith

Toddler on the road or what’s the essence of life


Do you know these families who have a certain area around their home for the first years after a child was born?
"Aurora needs her nap time in her bed."
"Lucas is not sleeping anywhere else."
Or worse, the parents who need the whole children equipment from bottle warmer to rocking chair, the ones who are not able to improvise and stick to their patterns.
We are not like that, neither our child nor we.
We love to travel and the easiest for me ist to travel by car.
You throw all you need inside and off we go.
We spent already lots of time in the car so it's a bit like a second home.
If you don't expect it you'll find a diaper (often when you indeed need it) or jacket which we thought lost.
Yes, it's a bit messy and I admit that we are at the end of October and we still have the beach umbrella in the back and Tuscan sand on the floor, that's us and I love it!
The best of these messy details is that they don't matter, what matters is that we have a big radius around home already and that we know we can go in whatever direction and we are happy.
A travelling toddler who sleeps everywhere is worth the mess.
His seat is based on cookie crumbs and our family is based everywhere.
He sleeps apparently everywhere when he is tired. What he needs is the reassurance that we are around and that he is safe with us.
Everything else doesn't matter, it can be loud or quiet, sunny or dark, crowded or peaceful, when he is tired he grabs our hand or hugs us tight and off to the land of toddlerdreams.
But what about sleeping times and nap times?
We don't have them.
And before someone starts to argue how important steadiness is…we love that we don't have them!
He is 18 months old, he sleeps when he's tired, he eats when he's hungry and we give him the freedom to grow without a strict schedule as much as we can.
Latest with 6 years when he starts school this life is over as he cannot go to school when he likes or stays in bed longer in the morning when he's supposed to be in his class.
What are 6 years compared to a lifetime?
We should cherish these first six years where our kids are mainly free little birds.
The kindergarten (Kita) for kids under three started for us in September and he's doing it great.
He has a nap time there and he's actually napping and he eats when they all eat.
Children are able to adapt quickly and they know which rules apply where so why should we limit his freedom at home?
We are now on our way to my parents and he sleeps in his car seat next to me while I'm writing and my husband drives, this is our on the road life, one glance at it.
Most people tend to make life more complicated than it is. What is really important, especially with children?
Now! Now is all we should focus on. Our children could be our teacher because they know how it works by heart.
BE HERE NOW (look at your child and soak in the love).
At the end of the day WE are important, the core of our beings.
Our travelling toddler is happy, and so are we ♥️ that's the essence of life, isn't it?

Autumn


Autumn was for me always just another season.
It’s getting darker and winter is approaching us but the past years I wasn’t thinking too much about anything else.
Now, as a mother, I start to cherish the seasons more again.
There’s so much beauty hidden inside and I was stupid not to see it.
I think I was a child the last time I collected chestnuts although it’s really fun.
Only now when my little son stands in front of me with his eyes shining brightly because he found a shiny brown chestnut I start to realise how many wonderful things autumn has for us.
It’s not days getting darker and colder, it’s a whole new world to discover in autumn.

Leaves change their colours and start to dance with the wind when they fall from the trees.
They make wonderful noises when you walk through them. They smell differently once they were falling on the earth.
The sun is still warm and when we run outside we can take the jackets off for a little while.
If we watch the birds we can see that they collect nutshells and little branches for building nests.
The squirrels start to collect nuts to be prepared for the winter.
Mornings are foggy and colder these days but we can see if the days will be sunny or not.
Even rainy days in autumn are wonderful days. We can jump into puddles and laugh loud because it’s so much fun.
So many things I just see now again.
Start to see the world through the eyes of a child and you will rediscover a life full of excitements.
No kid would say that autumn is boring or that they like summer more because they take life as it is and see the wonderful parts in everything.
We can learn so much from our children. This purity and positive approach to life is a gift!
I’m watching my son sleeping while writing and am so so so thankful for being his mom and learning from him a whole new way of living (which I knew once but that seems so long ago that I forgot about it).
Enjoy the autumn – it’s so worth it!

Sunday Mornings

Sunday Mornings


My son snores to my left and my husband snores to my right and instead of standing up I stay in the bed and start to read a bit.

This time is rarely recently with a toddler.

He slept so late last night and is giving his mummy some rest in the morning now.

We are always talking about the little lion but he already snores like a big one.

How I love Sundays – they belong to the family and it may sound old fashioned but as soon as you have a child/children you know what I’m talking about.

I don’t know yet what we will do today but what I can see through the closed curtains is that the weather is great. 

I will wait for them to wake up and then we will decide together.

I wish you a peaceful and sunny Sunday as well.

Take care!

Yoga isn’t my religion

Yoga isn't my religion

Yoga isn’t my religion

This topic came up a few times since I started to practice Yoga and now I want to tell you that I can be a Yogi without being a Hinduist or a Buddhist!

Not everyone who is running into a Yoga Studio or carries a Yoga mat with him or her has suddenly a religion.

It’s not like “Buy one mat and get a religion for free”.

It is a fact that yoga works with each and every religion.

I am married to a Muslim and therefore I am in a couple of Facebook groups out of curiosity to read how other non Muslim women go along with their Muslim husbands.

What I realized quite quick is that many converted or reverted and are even more strict than a born muslim is.

We had the Yoga topic and I was bombarded with statements like “The wife of a muslim shoulnd’t do this!” as if I would instantly worship a “forbidden” religion.

Here’s my answer:

First of all, yes, my husband is a Muslim, but that doesn’t make me one automatically – like the buy one yoga mat it’s not “marry a Muslim and get his religion for free”. I’m still capable of choosing my own faith!

The second point is that I have never seen Yoga as a religion, why would I?

Many are discussing if you can practice Yoga and still hold your faith.

Why not?

The history of Yoga started around 5000 years ago and was connected to the Vedras which play a role in the roots of Hinduism.

What you can see nowadays, as they share the same language, is that some chanting refets to hindu gods.

Ok, but not every yogi is sitting in a class and is chanting in hindu (many are not even speaking nor understanding hindu so why would they do it?). There are many many people out there practicing yoga regularly whithout having chanted even once! I’m one of them.

I use mantras from time to time – uhuuhhh, what’s that?

A mantra is nothing else than any repeated word or phrase – in meditation you can use it for yourself to manifest certain things for your own life like for instance “Let go of …” or “Trust yourself and love yourself” – whatever is important for you rat that moment. Mantra comes from the Sanskrit word ‘meaning’.

The Yoga language is simply Sanskrit, the same way Christianity is in Latin but Latin itself is not a religion, Islam in Arabic but Arabic itself is not a religion and Judaism is in Hebrew but Hebrew itself is not a religion.

Yoga was even rejected by Hinduism because yoga would not insist that god exists. It didn’t say there was no god but just wouldn’t insist there was.

For me this is another proof that Yoga is not a religion and should not affiliate with any religion.

There’s not one religious creed to be found.

You don’t have to follow certain rituals, such as baptism or confirmation. You don’t have obligations like in several other religions, such as visiting the church or mosque for prayer, fasting, celebrating feasts or receiving sacraments.

What is it then if not a religion? Is it sports, fitness, a hobby?

No, yoga was formed as a way to sit for hours, days, months, maybe longer in a meditative state, as a spiritual practice.

It is a spiritual way of living.

It is a way that teaches you mindfulness, how to take care of your mind, body and soul and how to be a good person.

What about the yogis that eventually would like to reach the state of enlightenment?

This enlightenment will not turn them into a god or a worshiper of god!

It means that they are able to experience a state of inner peace, bliss, some are saying they’ve seen their inner light, they connected to their deepest inner self. But that’s indeed all – no religious sign.

It’s a journey to our inner self.

If I step on my mat I feel calm, I connect with myself and listen to my body, mind and soul.

I breate consciously and fade out the stress of the daily life.

It’s my time to unwind and relax while going in and out of different yoga poses that strengthen my body.

I listen to myself or am still and take the stillness as a recreation for my mind.

The time while I’m doing Yoga is simply the time where I am able to honor all I am and the people around me.

I feel blessed because in times of stillness you are able to connect to what really matters.

If it’s not my religion, why do I post Buddha quotes on my social networks from time to time?

Because I am in charge of who I am and what I like or dislike.

I love Buddha quotes but that doesn’t mean I am a Buddhist, I love quotes from ancient philosophers as well – there is lots of wisdom to be found in many directions and I don’t decide if I like it based on which religion the authors belonged to.

I choose what I like based on the words I read.

One last question was why I can say Namaste without being connected to Hinduism?

Do you have any idea what Namaste means?

My soul honors your soul.

I honor the place in you where the entire universe resides.

I honor the light, love, truth, beauty & peace within you, because it is also within me.

In sharing these things we are united, we are the same, we are one.

Said that I give you now my personal explanation; I’m open-minded and one rule for my life is to respect and tolerate every living being on this earth.

I would dare to say that I am a better person than someone else because it’s not my right to put myself in a higher position.

I appreciate my life how it is and therefore also honor or thank others because people teach people lessons.

I wouldn’t be where I am without all those people on this earth.

Sending love & light.

Namaste ॐ

Are you jealous?!?

Are you jealous?!?

Are you jealous_!_

Do you know the feeling of being jealous?
I do not mean being jealous because there is someone near to your loved one.
No, what I mean is being jealous about what others have.
Are you sometimes envious when you see that others have something you may have not?
I’m not a jealous person in general and in most cases I’m just happy for the others when they have something I don’t have.
Sometimes because I don’t want to have it, sometimes because I already have it or sometimes because I’m not interested in it at all.

But there are these days…
These evil days when I see for instance a couple walking hand in hand on a nice autumn day, their feet kicking leaves and both are laughing and seem to be totally happy.
These are the days when I start to be jealous as I don’t have it right now.
Take for instance supermarkets on Saturdays.
I truly hate to go there on a Saturday afternoon! I’m surrounded by couples and for sure I don’t know their story or something about them, I’m not interested in details as well, but I imagine how it would be when my husband would be there.
All of them may do the grocery shopping for their weekend, cook together in the evening, snuggle up on the couch for a cosy and romantic evening, starting the Sunday with a breakfast in bed but I can’t do all this (and I hate breakfast in bed unless it’s a hotel and I don’t have to care about changing the bed sheets, but if I see them I even want that).
All these stories are just in my mind because I start to hate to be alone.
I’m actually not alone, I have a loving husband and family and and and
BUT I am alone when witnessing these strange mind invented couple stories while just looking at a normal couple and they may even be just best friends, nevertheless they trigger the feeling of lacking something in my life.
Isn’t there a way to schedule opening hours for singles in supermarkets?
And can we adjust these hours during the times when my husband is with me?
Another question would be since when it is allowed to kiss in public?!?
They don’t know what they do to single human beings when celebrating their love in public.
I try hard to ignore it as best as I can and forget for sure completely that I was ever thinking about it as soon as my husband is back in town…
Talking and laughing happily with your spouse while others sit next to you or walk by – be careful, it’s a risk for all, who are alone, to become slightly depressive.

Wouldn’t it be an idea to invent couple restaurants and single restaurants, couple supermarkets and single supermarkets (in this case really worth a second thought as I don’t need family packs just for myself), couple parks and single parks, I would have many ideas to be honest.
What to do when I need to stop at a traffic light just after my husband went back to work and the car beside me inherits a couple – separate driveways or dark windows for couple cars may be a solution.

I think I’m desperate to be complete again and can’t wait for my second half to arrive.
Nobody told us that long distance relationships and in our case now a long distance marriage aren’t always easy to handle (indeed it were lots who told us, but we make our own experience!). We are now married for three and a half month and were physically together one month. That could be the explanation for my developed strange thinking, couldn’t it?

Fortunately the countdown started and I promise that I will do all the things which are “annoying” me now throughout his whole stay!!!

Are you jealous?

 

Friday Picture

As my work is driving me crazy, with the end of the year approaching us so fast, I’m not writing as often as I would like to.
At least pictures on my post – I promised myself to add writing to my goals in 2014 and I mean writing on a regular basis.

Take care and have a nice weekend with apples to enjoy!

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A birthday post…

A birthday post…

…yes, it is my birthday today, and yes, I’m staying home and work normally like each Monday.
And no, I’m not lonely or weird (kind of lonely as I would love to have my husband around, but that’s another story). For weirdness, hello, it’s my birthday, so nobody can say today that I’m weird even if I may be from time to time a bit out of the range of “normal”.
I’m just not this “Heyyyy, it’s my big day and I HAVE to celebrate it”-type of woman.

I honestly like my birthday because it means I’m still here and I’m growing older, getting more wise sometimes, learn more, and have a day where the courier pops by to deliver nice surprises. Not celebrating doesn’t mean I don’t like gifts!
Mom is baking each year something I love and sends it frozen so that I can start to eat the yummie things right after arrival.
My parents, my sister and friends (which are all not living near) are sending greetings and presents and I love it.
Being on Facebook means that at least once per year my timeline is full of new posts and this is the reason why I started this one here.

Ok, I’m one year older and it’s a sign of good behavior to congratulate. I learned that as well when I grew up. But, and that’s a big but, why do people think I don’t like my age?
I got messages this morning like “all the best to your 28. birthday” or “Happy hatch day”.

I’m 36!!!
I’m neither losing my mind and think I’m younger than I am nor am I a chicken!
What do these people think?
Earlier when I had my sister on the phone I was suggesting to write on Facebook later today the following entry:

Thanks for all congratulations today! Just to clarify, I like my age and I’m hardly doubting that I have a hatch day as my mom confirmed she went through labour 36 yrs ago. For the ones who mentioned the word hatch or a number which is far away of my real age – thanks for being my “friends” throughout the last years but I think I have to get rid of your profiles through to unbridgeable differences in thinking and growing. Getting older means being more mature and sorry to say that, but as you seem to remain at 28 over even younger (hatch) I’d rather say goodbye instead of ripping my nerves.

Would that be too rude?

And what can I do about all these online shops which are sending me emails today?
I was thinking to reply back to each single one:
Dear (amazon, iTunes, Miles&more, Dove, Biotherm, L’Occitane, Cosmopolitan, Elle, miu miu, Harrods, Tiffany, Lafayette,…I think you’ve got it, so I don’t list all the others.),
It’s really nice that you took the time for checking your calendar and realized that it’s my birthday today.
Also thanks for sitting down and writing such nice words just for me to honor my day but instead of offering me a discount of 10% with a minimum order of 150€ or a free mascara with a minimum order of 75€ or something similar may I explain something?
If I’m not wrong the birthday should be a day where I receive gifts and gift means, according to Wikipedia, the following:
A gift or a present is an object given without the expectation of payment.
Although gift-giving might involve an expectation of reciprocity, a gift is meant to be free.
In many human societies, the act of mutually exchanging money, goods, etc. may contribute to social cohesion.
Economists have elaborated the economics of gift-giving into the notion of a gift economy. By extension the term gift can refer to anything that makes the other happier or less sad, especially as a favour, including forgiveness and kindness.

Said this I want to point out that if you want to make me happier or less sad I attached a list of objects – you can choose whatever you want as all of them would make me happier.
The shipping address is added and I look forward to see what the surprise will be in the end.
If you can’t decide as the list is too long, don’t worry, no one said a birthday gift can only be one item.

Thanks for your understanding and best regards,
Miss Faith

Writing this post already made me happier to be honest.
You can start to congratulate now if you like – haha.
Have a good day and take care!

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Train yourself to let go…

Train yourself to let go...

Train yourself to let go…

of pictures on how others think you should be – focus on how you want to be.

of the feeling that you need to be perfect – being imperfect is authentic.

of the past which was hunting you far too long – life is going on now.

of the aim of being better than everyone around you – you are better than you probably think.

...of thoughts of how something could be – live the moment.

of stress, as life is too short to be permanently stressed, enjoy as much as you can.

of anger, take it as something you cannot change or try to change it.

of frustration, every frustration bears a hint on how to do it better the next time. Take it as a lesson learned.

of bitterness because it makes you lonely.

of jealousy as things are meant to be, if the time is right you will see that there was no reason for being jealous.

of mistrust as it will make your life easier. If you have reasons for mistrust kick these persons out of your life, they don’t belong there.

of envy as you are the person with the reins in your hands on how your life should be, if you don’t like it try to change it.

If you want to read more about it I can recommend this blog:

Letting Go: How to Master the Art

Does Pink Floyd’s “Coming Back To Life” reflect my life?

Does Pink Floyd’s “Coming Back To Life” reflect my life?

Does Pink Floyd's _Coming Back To Life_ reflect my life_

Who loves music not only for the beat but for the lyrics?

Confession:

I’m a music addict!

Confession two:

Dancing or feeling the beat are nice but the heart of music are the lyrics.

If a song doesn’t have a message it’s not a song I will add to my play list.

Texts are the most important part for me followed by the music composition.

Let’s have a look at the lyrics

I recently listened often to Pink Floyd’s ‘Coming back to life’ while I’m checking out songs for our wedding day. My husband loves this song and it reflects parts of his life so I was wondering if it reflects parts of my life as well.

Songs are emotions many know but only a few are able to say them

I would even say that many songs probably would fit into many life stories but not all humans are thinking deeply about their own life. There are always those who wipe emotions away quickly as it seems to be the easy way. I personally would say this way is wrong but I’m not the one to teach others, at least for me I think that I have to face it all and only this way I’m able to reflect, think about, learn, yes, even suffer, because in the end I’m more wise than before. That’s for sure not the easiest way but the most proper from my point of view.

Buy here

Here’s my personal “Coming back to life” story:

“Where were you when I was burned and broken”

There were times when I was exactly thinking that. Relationships in the past where I thought we were meant to be but when I needed the other one most I was standing alone. A true sign that it wasn’t meant to be but this is something I knew afterwards only.

“While the days slipped by from my window watching”

There were many of these days where you are unable to move. Stuck within deepest grief for whatever reason. Scared of when this state will change again or is it getting worse and ends up in a depression? People around me were telling me to stand up again, let go of the past and live and but I was still unable to move forward. Being stuck in the dark is sometimes needed to start all over again.

“Where were you when I was hurt and I was helpless”

Wishing for one special person to knock on my door, pick up the phone or show me at least a small sign of interest. The feeling that nobody cares is the worst. And it’s in most cases not even true. I always had persons who cared about me,  but they were not the one I was longing for. I felt hurt and helpless but knew always that I have family and friends. They would always be there, nevertheless it wasn’t getting me out of this state as the “One” wasn’t showing up to be there at my side.

“Because the things you say and the things you do surround me”

Exactly, I remembered words and gestures, moments which passed by already but still were present and overlaid the reality. Life went into a state of dreaming, wishing, remaining still where I want to be although everything around me went on. Getting out was hard but worth it and sometimes it needs someone real to drag you out of this lethargy.

“While you were hanging yourself on someone else’s words”

This is a mean thing as I at least know from myself that these words become other meanings the longer you try to interpret them. Sentences which were totally clear remained in my mind until I saw them completely different just to have a valid reason for myself to hang on a bit longer. Words are often nice and charming but if actions never follow be careful.

“Dying to believe in what you heard”

One thing I learned from the past is that talking is absolutely important. Listening for sure as well. I heard many promises and plans but they never became reality. I love to talk about deeper thoughts and many other things but there is a big BUT.
Actions have to follow!

You can talk about planning something endlessly, but if you never start to do it, all those words are without meaning.

“I was staring straight into the shining sun”

Sunshine makes happy and I tried to escape from my messed up life and traveled to enjoy sunshine. What happened is that I realized quickly that there is no escape! Sunshine is nice, but it will never be able to erase your thoughts and feelings. I don’t know how many hours I stayed in the bright sunshine just staring into the sun, it were many. I felt low but the sun on my skin gave me the feeling of being alive.

“Lost in thought and lost in time”

What can travel and sunshine give? This travel and sunshine gave me time! Time to think about everything. What do I want, where do I wanna go, what do I expect from my life? And even more important what do I expect from myself.
Time out of the everyday circle to really sit down and think, forgetting the time and just listening to yourself, that’s a gift!

“While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted”

It was grounding me, getting me back partly to the person I was before. A change needs time and sometimes it’s not easy to remain in that state when heading back home. But what it does is planting seeds, like reminders for yourself not to fall into the same state you were about to escape from.

“Outside the rain fell dark and slow”

There’s no sunshine without rain and vice versa. Life isn’t always happy and yes, there were days when everything seemed to be dark again.

I unfolded in the darkness. What I learned is indeed that the darkness was needed to ground me and to bring me back to my raw inner self. Without these dark moments I would not have been able to start all over again.

“While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime”

Ghosts from the past were hunting me, no more daily but they still were present in my life. You can never erase the past completely, it is a part of your life and will remain but these ghosts will fade and loose shape after a while.

“I took a heavenly ride through our silence”

I never said I hate something but I learned that I hate silence.
Not the silence when you are alone in a house or walking through a forest, no, I hate emotional silence. The silence when two persons, who where more than close to each other, stop communicating. Or let me say it better, if you are not getting answers any more. This silence hurts and is able to break a person.

“I knew the moment had arrived”

For killing the past and coming back to life.
It took almost years and ‘the moment’ were many moments, quietly  popping up in my life, showing me there is a future and I can make it.

Alone.

Just me.

Inner strength built up in tiny steps, month by month, week by week.

A moment can be a day or a month or a year, a moment is defined by yourself.

“I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun”

Waiting for the day when the past is no longer important in the present. It will stay in the past where it belongs to, where it was important but the way forward should be free and open.

“And headed straight..into the shining sun”

Yeah, and sometimes it fits completely!
I struggled for a long time and the way back was hard and full of stones but it was worth it.
I married my shining sun and most important, there is no silence!