Page 2 of 2

Hello…someone’s there, I want to join your life…

Hello…someone’s there, I want to join your life…

It took us less than two months until I had a new positive pregnancy test in my hands and this time the excitement was completely different.

© by misssfaith2017 (1)

We were so happy but at the same time completely scared – what if?

There was this what if it happens again and I tried to get it out of my mind as often as possible but it was always lingering around.

This little baby doesn’t deserve a worried and scared mom, it should get all the endorphins a happy mom produces so most of the time I put the ‘what if’ thought aside.

We found out very early as I was tracking my cycle after the first one. I was just 4 weeks pregnant when I had the test in my hand and we started a close schedule of gynecologist appointments for the first weeks mainly to be reassured that all is fine.

© by misssfaith2017 (3)

Our holidays were booked already and during that time I would be around 9 weeks, the same time when we lost our first, so we went for one last check-up before we started to drive to Italy.

In Italy we started to relax and more and more to enjoy this pregnancy and to look forward to the months to come.

This little bean was fed with the best Italian food for almost 3 weeks and swam in the sea with us. We drove back completely relaxed and happy.

Once we hit the 12 week milestone we started to tell others and I finally could walk with a smile on my face.

I had the most wonderful pregnancy you can wish for, no morning sickness, no cramps, no bleeding, no nothing – just a tiny bean that was happily growing inside of me.

I will give you some pregnancy impressions in the posts to come so stay with me if you like to read more.

Advertisements

This baby wasn’t meant to be

This baby wasn’t meant to be

After 6 weeks in pink clouds and the most happy state I ever have been in with visits to the ultrasound, hearing a tiny heartbeat, seeing already arms and legs on a tiny embryo I started to bleed a bit.

That can happen and doesn’t mean something bad is going to follow.

In our case unfortunately something bad followed.

“There is no heartbeat!”

These words were touching me again at the core of my being like the positive test I held in my hand 6 weeks earlier – only this time it wasn’t the happy touch but the sad touch.

Our baby has no heartbeat anymore – we won’t have a baby boy or girl at the end of November around my own birthday, why is this happening, did I something wrong, is it my fault, all these thoughts were running wildly through my mind while my husband was asking what we need to do now, how will it go on, the little embryo cannot remain in my belly.

You get options and from the first second it was clear for me that there is only one option for me – let my body do the work. It’s a complete natural process and I didn’t want to go to a hospital, get a surgery with all those risks, I wanted the natural way to be sure everything else is still there and nobody cuts too much.

As we surely knew already then that this is not the end of our baby story and that a new pregnancy happens often soon afterwards this decision was easy made.

The coming weeks weren’t easy but worth it. I had time to let go, time to give my body the rest it needs, time to recover, physically and psychically.

After the so called little birth we went to the gynecologist to check if all is fine and yes, it was.

I have to say that I’m really proud of my body. A human body is a wonder, it can do much much more than we imagine. We should trust our bodies more often instead of going the way which looks easier. The little nest was empty, all that belonged to our baby was gone but the nest was still there and ready to be filled again.

This thought of having built a tiny cosy nest for a sibling was easing my mind and made sense. Our baby was surely not OK, otherwise it would’ve stayed to grow but it had a very important task in his/her life – it prepared a home for a brother or sister to settle in.

© by misssfaith2017

Suddenly pregnant

Suddenly pregnant

We weren’t trying trying like many couples do when they want to start a family shortly after the wedding.

What we did is to just see what happens – what’s meant to be will happen when the time is right.

And then there comes a day when you think something is not normal and maybe a pregnancy test could be the answer. The answer was pink, two pink stripes on a test. I was standing in front of it in disbelief.

Is it really real?

Is there seriously a human being growing inside of me?

Are we ready?

You can think you are ready but once you see these two little stripes you start to question everything all over again.

37 years old and you start to question everything you are – am I really prepared to be a mother, am I capable of taking care until the end of my life, will I be able to give enough love to a child, am I good enough, is that really what we want right now or is it too early or shouldn’t we have started earlier and are already too old?

I tried to calm down and made a couple of tests just to be sure my eyes weren’t tricking me, which she surely didn’t.

The next question is how to tell my husband – there are thousands of ideas you will find on Pinterest but who has time to prepare something like that when you just found out yourself and the next thing you would like to do is shouting it out of the window so that everyone knows how happy you are?

What I managed as my husband wasn’t home is to walk to a children’s shop nearby and buy a pair of really tiny socks. The pregnancy test safely in my bag I walked to the café nearby where we had a date (yes, husband and wife and still dates for a coffee, it is possible).

My husband ordered a coffee for me and I was patiently waiting for it to be on the table as I wasn’t trusting myself in regards to emotions and the last I wanted is to burst out in tears (even if these would be tears of happiness) in front of a waitress.

The coffee was served and I pulled out the baby socks out of the bag behind my back.

“I need to tell you something…today at home I was so curious because I’m a bit overdue as you know…so I bought a couple of days ago…eeehm…what I mean is…I made a test. And…”.

I gave him the tiny socks and tears were welling up in my eyes when I saw his expression on his face.

Here we are – two adult persons sitting in a café – touched at the core of our beings by a very very very tiny being hidden inside of me.

A moment to keep in my mind for the rest of my life.

At this moment all these questions were answered – we ARE parents, whatever comes we will be able to handle it together as a family.

(What we didn’t knew by then is that sooner than we could imagine indeed had to handle a situation that wasn’t on our radar at all but that’s another story.)

© by misssfaith2017 (1)