The 11th day of Yoga

The 11th day of Yoga

I’m a bit proud as I stopped and started so many kinds of “sports” already but it was always the same, after a couple of days I put it aside. I wasn’t able to conquer my weaker self.
But why?
I think now that I haven’t found what I was searching for.
Having a stressful job I didn’t want too much pressure on myself in the few private hours.
I was thinking about Yoga several times but to be honest with you, the typical picture of Yogis I have is not the best and I didn’t want to belong to this “group”.
Another point was that I cannot imagine myself in a yoga class sitting between strangers and saying !Ommmm! from time to time, I think I would rather laugh out loud instead of starting this in a serious way.
Nevertheless, the main benefits of yoga remained in my mind.
So once again I picked this topic up and tried to find some guidance on how to do it without attending classes.
I once tried a CD with a small booklet attached but it wasn’t convincing me at all. I made stupid posing on the floor without any improvement and threw them after a short while.
Don’t ask me what was my intention now to start the yoga DIY search once again, there wasn’t a particular turning point or “calling” or whatever reason some have, I was just curious as I couldn’t believe that there isn’t a way.
And yes, there is a way!
Loving my iPad brought me to the AppStore and I went through many Apps, looking at the pictures and reading through the descriptions they provide before you hit the buy & install button. The app which was most appealing to what I had in my mind wasn’t free, as usual, but also not expensive so I bought it.
And here we go, I went through the introduction, curious to try it directly and again I found myself on the floor doing what? Posing!
But this time it was different, the instructor explains in videos perfectly what I should do and all videos have relaxing music in the background. You can choose if you want to hear the instructions and music, only instructions or only music. I went with the first, instruction and music, for a couple of days and now I am already able to go along just with the music.
Is it what I was looking for?
Yes, it is! I start now after ten days to be more confident in each asana, yoga position, and I start to feel muscles at parts on my body where I would never have assumed them.
My general mood and feeling is better, this may be a result of being focused.
I realize that I’m more focused and that I can shut off thoughts during the sessions and just listen to my breathing and body.
What I have to admit is that I was desperate for something that enables me to relax after work, so I was searching for a “remedy” that gets me quickly into a calm state.
Maybe this isn’t working for everyone as every person is approaching things differently, I can just speak for myself and my experience here.
On the third day I went to the city centre to buy a yoga mat as it isn’t possible to do it on the carpet or wooden floor, you need some grip on the floor as well as something not too hard or too soft. But knowing myself I went home with the cheapest one for a start. It is sufficient for now and if I hit day 100 for constant daily yoga I will congratulate myself with a better mat. Still a way to go but I’m confident that I have found something for myself.
The general benefits you can read almost everywhere.
One description in general is “Yoga is the physical, mental, and spiritual practices or disciplines which originated in ancient India with a view to attain a state of permanent peace.”
Who doesn’t want permanent peace?
Another says “There is evidence to suggest that regular yoga practice has been shown to improve mood and anxiety. The three main focuses of yoga (exercise, breathing, and meditation) should be beneficial for so many aspects of health.”
I read lots about yoga and what I found is to be taken with caution for sure as there are many so called gurus out there who want to attract with cancer healing or other suspicious thesis but what I found as well will be listed below.
For me there are many aspects which makes sense and if we are all honest with ourselves we know that we all could improve our lifestyle and health.

I only list what I think is reasonable – BUT I don’t say it is true or proofed.
These items were just the ones which attracted me more to give it a serious try.

Change your posture and you change the way you breathe. Change your breathing and you change your nervous system.

– Increase of happiness.

– Improves coordination and reaction time.

– Tones your body and gives you a better body feeling.

– Improves your flexibility.

– Yoga and meditation build awareness.

– Yoga encourages you to relax, slow your breath, and focus on the present.

– Improved flexibility and stronger muscles.

– Yoga helps to quiet your mind.

– Yoga gives you the tools to help you change, and you might start to feel better the first time you try practicing.

– A heart rate in the aerobic range lowers the risk of heart attack and can relieve depression.

– Yoga promotes breathing through the nose, which filters the air, warms it, and humidifies it, removing pollen and dirt and other things you’d rather not take into your lungs.

– Just believing you will get better can make you better.

– Yoga can provide relief from the hustle and bustle of modern life.

– Yoga can help your blood circulation, especially in your hands and feet.

– Yoga gets more oxygen to your cells.

– Yoga can strengthen the spine.

– Yoga improves your posture.

– Yoga may also inspire you to become a more conscious eater.

– Regularly yoga improves balance and better sleep.

More about these as well as more explanations are found here:
http://www.yogajournal.com/health/1634

What I discovered as well is that there is a philosophy around yoga, means it’s not just about doing physical exercises, it teaches you more. I would call myself a pretty realistic person but although not everything may sounds realistic in first place I see that there can be a deeper sense behind. The word faith, which is not just a joke in my name here, is important. You have to believe in many things to reach them and from my point of view it’s the same in Yoga.
If I would just sit down and start to stretch my legs or raise my arms I would end up with giving it up. What keeps me doing it is that I realized while breathing per instruction is that I started to calm down. The more sessions I did the more I realized that I’m feeling good while doing it and afterwards.
I believe that I need a certain portion of relaxation and if that’s the way to reach it I’m fine.
Our life is full of stress and distraction and noise – just a few minutes per day to calm down and focus on yourself can’t be wrong, at least not for me. I know that I need some changes as working for more than eleven years in a row without major relaxing time-outs brought me to a point of searching for changes. Yoga is one of them as well as writing here, let’s see what else I discover on my way.

Take care and keep the faith in whatever you are doing!

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Our life search

Our life search

You only know what you are searching for when you loose something…

It can be good and bad, each will leave a trace in your life and suddenly you realize what’s important.
There may be times when you feel lost, when you don’t see reasons for things that happened, but be faithful, these incidents open new doors you weren’t aware of that they exist.
Fairytales are for kids, this is partly true as in each of them you will find hints on what’s important and the knight is mostly appearing when the princess went through her struggles.
I found my “knight” although I don’t say I’m a princess, but there will be a time when you realize what the past was for. I truly believe that this “meant to be” does exist.
Maybe it strengthens you, makes you more mature, gives you happy times and memories.
We are all searching and this search will never stop. If you stop searching you will stop living as we have still so much to discover.
I like to say that I arrived in my life but this is only half true. I did actually feel as if I arrived, but only partly (which is already a great achievement).
There are many other parts left as life is big and full of challenges, wonders and experiences.
Don’t aim for all at once, take steps on your way.
Nobody can stand on the top of a mountain without walking upwards, having rest in between, struggles, is about to give up, feels exhausted or just takes a break to enjoy the moment. We all start on the foot of the mountain called life and I’m not sure who’s the happier person when reaching the top.
Is it the one running upwards, who may miss the silence, the view, the temperature changes and all the things which are present around him?
Or is it the one walking step by step, who knows how the snow smells at a certain height, who see ice crystals on his nose and feels the cold creeping up, who breathes in the cold air while having the view backwards to realize how far he got already?

What do you prefer? Are you the runner or the walker in life?
Happy journey!

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Does Pink Floyd’s “Coming Back To Life” reflect my life?

Does Pink Floyd’s “Coming Back To Life” reflect my life?

Does Pink Floyd's _Coming Back To Life_ reflect my life_

Who loves music not only for the beat but for the lyrics?

Confession:

I’m a music addict!

Confession two:

Dancing or feeling the beat are nice but the heart of music are the lyrics.

If a song doesn’t have a message it’s not a song I will add to my play list.

Texts are the most important part for me followed by the music composition.

Let’s have a look at the lyrics

I recently listened often to Pink Floyd’s ‘Coming back to life’ while I’m checking out songs for our wedding day. My husband loves this song and it reflects parts of his life so I was wondering if it reflects parts of my life as well.

Songs are emotions many know but only a few are able to say them

I would even say that many songs probably would fit into many life stories but not all humans are thinking deeply about their own life. There are always those who wipe emotions away quickly as it seems to be the easy way. I personally would say this way is wrong but I’m not the one to teach others, at least for me I think that I have to face it all and only this way I’m able to reflect, think about, learn, yes, even suffer, because in the end I’m more wise than before. That’s for sure not the easiest way but the most proper from my point of view.

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Here’s my personal “Coming back to life” story:

“Where were you when I was burned and broken”

There were times when I was exactly thinking that. Relationships in the past where I thought we were meant to be but when I needed the other one most I was standing alone. A true sign that it wasn’t meant to be but this is something I knew afterwards only.

“While the days slipped by from my window watching”

There were many of these days where you are unable to move. Stuck within deepest grief for whatever reason. Scared of when this state will change again or is it getting worse and ends up in a depression? People around me were telling me to stand up again, let go of the past and live and but I was still unable to move forward. Being stuck in the dark is sometimes needed to start all over again.

“Where were you when I was hurt and I was helpless”

Wishing for one special person to knock on my door, pick up the phone or show me at least a small sign of interest. The feeling that nobody cares is the worst. And it’s in most cases not even true. I always had persons who cared about me,  but they were not the one I was longing for. I felt hurt and helpless but knew always that I have family and friends. They would always be there, nevertheless it wasn’t getting me out of this state as the “One” wasn’t showing up to be there at my side.

“Because the things you say and the things you do surround me”

Exactly, I remembered words and gestures, moments which passed by already but still were present and overlaid the reality. Life went into a state of dreaming, wishing, remaining still where I want to be although everything around me went on. Getting out was hard but worth it and sometimes it needs someone real to drag you out of this lethargy.

“While you were hanging yourself on someone else’s words”

This is a mean thing as I at least know from myself that these words become other meanings the longer you try to interpret them. Sentences which were totally clear remained in my mind until I saw them completely different just to have a valid reason for myself to hang on a bit longer. Words are often nice and charming but if actions never follow be careful.

“Dying to believe in what you heard”

One thing I learned from the past is that talking is absolutely important. Listening for sure as well. I heard many promises and plans but they never became reality. I love to talk about deeper thoughts and many other things but there is a big BUT.
Actions have to follow!

You can talk about planning something endlessly, but if you never start to do it, all those words are without meaning.

“I was staring straight into the shining sun”

Sunshine makes happy and I tried to escape from my messed up life and traveled to enjoy sunshine. What happened is that I realized quickly that there is no escape! Sunshine is nice, but it will never be able to erase your thoughts and feelings. I don’t know how many hours I stayed in the bright sunshine just staring into the sun, it were many. I felt low but the sun on my skin gave me the feeling of being alive.

“Lost in thought and lost in time”

What can travel and sunshine give? This travel and sunshine gave me time! Time to think about everything. What do I want, where do I wanna go, what do I expect from my life? And even more important what do I expect from myself.
Time out of the everyday circle to really sit down and think, forgetting the time and just listening to yourself, that’s a gift!

“While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted”

It was grounding me, getting me back partly to the person I was before. A change needs time and sometimes it’s not easy to remain in that state when heading back home. But what it does is planting seeds, like reminders for yourself not to fall into the same state you were about to escape from.

“Outside the rain fell dark and slow”

There’s no sunshine without rain and vice versa. Life isn’t always happy and yes, there were days when everything seemed to be dark again.

I unfolded in the darkness. What I learned is indeed that the darkness was needed to ground me and to bring me back to my raw inner self. Without these dark moments I would not have been able to start all over again.

“While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime”

Ghosts from the past were hunting me, no more daily but they still were present in my life. You can never erase the past completely, it is a part of your life and will remain but these ghosts will fade and loose shape after a while.

“I took a heavenly ride through our silence”

I never said I hate something but I learned that I hate silence.
Not the silence when you are alone in a house or walking through a forest, no, I hate emotional silence. The silence when two persons, who where more than close to each other, stop communicating. Or let me say it better, if you are not getting answers any more. This silence hurts and is able to break a person.

“I knew the moment had arrived”

For killing the past and coming back to life.
It took almost years and ‘the moment’ were many moments, quietly  popping up in my life, showing me there is a future and I can make it.

Alone.

Just me.

Inner strength built up in tiny steps, month by month, week by week.

A moment can be a day or a month or a year, a moment is defined by yourself.

“I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun”

Waiting for the day when the past is no longer important in the present. It will stay in the past where it belongs to, where it was important but the way forward should be free and open.

“And headed straight..into the shining sun”

Yeah, and sometimes it fits completely!
I struggled for a long time and the way back was hard and full of stones but it was worth it.
I married my shining sun and most important, there is no silence!

Waiting for the day…

Waiting for the day…

Waiting for the day...

It’s near now, the day my fiance will finally be with me again, and what am I doing?

Starting to clean my flat but not in a normal way, no, from the deepest places up to what is visible.
Why am I doing it? Simple explanation, I just want to focus on what’s important during his stay and not thinking about stupid cleaning or sorting out or whatever during this precious time.

And besides I do this normally every two or three years but nowadays it’s something special.

One wardrobe is almost empty for him to store his clothes. Nothing would be more stupid than living out of a suitcase for one month and I want him to have the feeling to be at home and not feeling like a guest.

The same for my bathroom which is normally crowded with my bottles and creams and make up, now it’s pure and clean and free space for men’s stuff (which isn’t that much compared to women’s).

The living room is as cosy as it could be because it will be wintertime and it’s already getting colder each day. A place to snuggle up in warm light and relax, that’s how I like it and how it always has been but now it becomes a special meaning. We will spend our time here together once again and I can’t wait for the days to pass by until its reality.

These weeks will be exciting as we will meet parts of the family, mine and his, so the plan is to drive there at the beginning of his stay so that we end up with lots of time afterwards just for the two of us.

It’s interesting to start something new with the unique feeling of having found the missing piece in life.

Sure, as adults, there have been relationships in the past but if you then found someone where it feels so right just from the very first beginning it’s something special. It’s hard to explain but I already thought I found it and was proven wrong afterwards and now it’s so different.

Different in the best meaning as I cannot see one single piece which could separate us. This is something I never had before, the feeling of being completely complete with this man on my side even when it seems for outsiders not that easy – living thousands of miles apart, out of different cultures, that cannot be easy.

I can assure you it is!

If you love each other as basis and then discover the same humor, the same sense of what life should be like for the two of you, the same opinions about values, family, even the same taste in many things, then you are able to make it. Even if I’m completely stressed and tired after a long working day I just need to hear his voice shortly and calm down because I know that this is more important than anything else.

Relationships are precious and not only the one to your wife/husband, boyfriend/girlfriend, partner or fiancé.

Life is built on relationships with every kind of human being as these are the people around you who should be there for you whatever life is going to give you.

People who bring you down, make you sad, are envying you or putting stones on your way are the wrong ones, this is also something to sort out. I did it a few months ago and that was the right decision.

Surround yourself with honest persons!

It’s early for me to write all these sentences but I am absolutely doubtless. Which doesn’t mean that we won’t face difficulties but I’m sure we will go towards each other when facing them to find the middle way instead of running apart.

No one said life is easy so why should we give up on something we finally found so easily?

It will be an absolutely exciting time, my family can’t wait almost like me to meet the new family member and my mom is already caring as if her own son is coming home, asking me every now and then what to cook for the first evening and buying warm bedclothes so that he is not freezing in winter time.

And his family will be another adventure for me. He has an uncle in Belgium who moved there a long time ago, also married to a European, and I like to listen to their stories on how they did it. They still seem to be happy together and this is what we want for our future.

So you see, there are many things more important than cleaning up and when the most is done before he arrives I just can focus on the main parts in life.

Another effect is that I start to sit on my couch more relaxed when I know that I have nothing else to do instead of enjoying quality time.

It’s freeing my mind and soul and is giving me a certain kind of serenity.

Not faithless – no, full of faith!
Take care!

Sleepless Nights

Sleepless Nights

Sleepless Nights

I was always a good sleeper if you can say it like this, means I never had problems to sleep.

Just a few minutes to find the right cosy position and off I was in the land of dreams.

Last year it started that I was facing bad sleepless nights.

Nights which were totally exhausting instead of relaxing.

For sure there are reasons in life why situations like this start over and it’s not popping up out of nowhere. My reasons were private combined with a big workload. No need to go into details, as it had something to do with being heartbroken etc. but this whole thing manifested a kind of ‘feeling uncomfortable in the dark’.

Which is ridiculous because I always liked the nights, that’s when I started to become creative, where my mind is fully awake. What I try is not to give room to that fear, if I tell myself it may happen again tonight it will, but if I try to affirm to myself that these occasions happen only from time to time, I’m feeling better and the nights will be fine. I did a lot of research on remedies and found sleep meditation apps – they make me feel a bit safer as they are like a rescue, almost all of them start with breathing exercises and they calm you down very quickly. But what’s also important is not to ignore these nights, I think it’s better to accept them and to work on a solution to get rid of them step by step.

I’m happy at this moment, happy since I met my future husband, he’s like a shelter for me, my recharge.

Whenever I talk to him I’m fine, even if I was totally tired before, as he brought the feeling back to my life that I’m not alone, that I’m loved and cared for and that everything will be fine. And honestly I knew always that my family is there for me too but its not the same, this feeling of being sheltered by parents or by a partner is different.

Nevertheless, still from time to time I have these stupid insomniac nights, and here I have to realize that a wounded soul cannot recover within a few months, it needs time.

The reason of these wounds is no longer present in my life, all these hurting thoughts are gone for months now, but regaining the full strength is the part which needs time.

That’s why I say to myself its better to accept it rather than ignoring it. As long as I’m actively thinking on how to be totally fine again I see that it’s fading.

But if I would start to ignore it I’m pretty sure it would knock me down one day as nothing in life should be ignored. It sounds a bit pathetic but during these nights I have the feeling as if my soul is telling me: “Hey, I’m on my way but I’m not yet fully back on track, so please do me a favor and take care of yourself.”

And that’s exactly what I have to do. I’m a perfectionist and I do often too much instead of letting things go and take time-outs for myself.

It’s always the same pattern as these nights are hitting me after a row of exhausting days where I tried to get all done which needs to be done plus even more. Days where I worked too much and am hurrying through my life after work instead of sleeping early to take some rest.

I have no final solution but I’m assured that it will fade more and more as long as I take care. Never underestimate your mind and your soul, they are essential in life and we have to care!

Keep the faith!