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The Sound of War…

sound of war

The Sound of War…

A few days ago I was as always talking over the web to my Libyan fiancé.

I am already used to hear gunshots in the background from time to time. And to say “being used to” is kind of weird. I fortunately grew up in a peaceful area and to hear gunshots is frightening me. But I was convinced that they are far away from his house and he is not affected, so I got calmer.

But what happened this night was scaring the hell out of me.

It started with gunshots but in an unusual way as instead of stopping after a few minutes it was getting more heavy and was followed by sounds I never heard before.

He explained that they shot now with weapons used against tanks. While I was sitting frightened in front of my iPad he tried to call some friends to find out what’s going on and to locate the area.

About five kilometers away from his house and all started with a fight about a car which left one dead. The family of the killed was then looking for revenge and it was getting worse and worse. I’m not even sure about the details exactly and if the national security was involved at some point or not, but that’s not the topic.

After three hours of permanent shootings the next stage were weapons normally used against planes – anti aircraft – and that was the time when I was more quiet than ever before. He was a bit nervous and not as relaxed as one could be when he survived war times. The “normal” heard gunshots aren’t frightening him anymore as he is able after the war to locate just from the sound if it’s near to him or not. But for me, honestly, this was a situation where I realized even more than before how dangerous human beings can be.

Libya fought so hard to get finally the so long served liberty, they suffered more than anyone without war experience can imagine, and now the newly gained liberty is still a mess and has almost the same sound as a war.

Peace should be silent, comfortable and not frightening, don’t they deserve to live peacefully now, after all these struggles?

And it’s not only that there are a few stupid guys going against each other, no, it’s affecting so many.

Has one of them ever thought about the persons who lost their loved ones, about children survived a traumatic time and still not finding rest, all the innocent out there who shiver at each shot and relive cruel memories?

And even me and I’m surely not the only one having a close relationship to Libya from an outside position. We are sitting here, in a calm and safe area, and we are frightened and hope each time that our loved ones will not be affected.

A feeling I never experienced before, being completely helpless, powerless.

Why are humans like this? They gained the power and they won against a cruel dictator but instead of trying to have a better life afterwards they abuse the weapons they got for selfish reasons. In the end they are not better than the one they fought before. I’m not a political person, I just try to use my normal human thinking. What must be in the minds of those who act so cruel? In the end it’s good that I cannot understand because it would mean I think the same way. But from a realistic point of view they bring even more sadness into the country, the families, the people instead of taking the first steps into a better future.

I hope to be able sooner than later to travel there because from what I’ve heard and read and seen on pictures it must be a wonderful country.

Keep the faith that it soon will be safe first for the people living there and second to all those who already love the country without having been there.

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Do I have to explain my life?

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Do I have to explain my life?
I recently asked me this question as I found myself in the situation of always explains that it’s not like that, that it’s different, that it’s not as they think…
What was it about. It was because I met my fiancé who’s not German. Even worse, he’s also not fitting into the European picture as he’s from the unknown continent Africa. Mystical stories about people there are in the heads of the common German or even in the heads of the common European. And for my story it’s even worse. Not only that he’s not European, he’s also a Muslim. All cliches existent, you can be sure I heard them already.
Where is he from? From Libya. Oh god, you will soon be sitting completely covered on a camel in the desert. Yes, that was exactly what I planned for my life was my answer. You can only reply in a sarcastic way to stupid comments like this.
But what I realized in myself was that each time I was asked about him I was already answering in a defensive way. Yes, he’s from Libya but he doesn’t want to marry me for a residence permit. Yes, he’s Muslim, but he’s open minded and it’s ok for him that I’m not religious at all. Yes, he has a big family in Libya but they will not influence him not to marry a non-muslim.
I saw myself acting like this and questioned myself. Why am I answering like this? Am I thinking the same way, are these my hidden fears? Definitely no. We talked hours over hours and are both completely aware that we led different lives up to now. I’m living on my own since years and was raised so freely. He was always close to his family and surrounded by them. As long as you are unmarried it’s normal to stay with your family whereas for me it was normal to leave when earning the first own money and to start a life on your own. Religion plays a big role in his life, which is even bigger as we are at the moment within the holy month of Ramadan. Whereas for me religion was present in an easy way from childhood into the teenage years and as adult I decided that Christianity is not my path and I signed out officially. So I am without any religion at all.
But, and this is what we realized very quickly, even if it seems so different from an outside position, we are not too different. My family is so close to me. We are not living together, not even in the same city, but if we don’t hear from each other like we are used to we feel incomplete. There are never more than two days without contact and news or changes or questions are discussed with my family before anyone else will know. And for the religious part, even if I don’t have one it doesn’t mean I’m unbelieving. I have values in my life, which I’m believing in, most of them already taught by my parents, who still are Christians, but I see them as values of life itself. Being honest, truthful, good to others, not cheating, not stealing, not lying, never harm anyone, don’t kill, don’t do something to others which you never want for yourself, and, and, and…
These are common values in life which also exist in each religion.
He met me like this, I found so many good things in different religions but I also found parts in them, where I cannot say that I agree on them. What I try is to live in the most valuable way I’m able too and to find inner peace with myself. Wherever this way leads to, I will see. And he is completely with me as he knows that I’m not worse than one with an official religion. You will find good and bad people everywhere, this is no proof.
He is him and me is me and we are happy that we found each other – so more more explanations why, how, when and where!
Maybe I write some day sitting on a camel, who knows…

City or countryside?

City or countryside?
I will turn thirty-five in November and luckily met a man who’s thinking in the same direction as me about life.
I have a small flat in the middle of the city.
Perfect if you wanna have the complete city feeling. Cafés and restaurants are just around the corner as well as supermarkets and the green stripe of the river where you have the feeling to be in nature.
That was exactly what I ever wanted when I moved to this place.
My area has grown during the past years and is nowadays one of the hip places to live in Munich.
But why am I not satisfied anymore?
It’s not that I don’t like my flat, it’s still my home, my place where I’m feeling so comfortable but I’m starting more and more to miss the silence.
Not silence like taking earplugs and shut down the world around you.
No, silence like hearing no cars outside twenty-four hours, like not closing the window just to hear what they say on TV, like being outside and having only birds and bees and wind around you which makes sounds while hitting a tree.
A place to step out of the door and being in peace.
A place to slow down and also a place where you can imagine to raise up a child freely.
Am I getting old or is it just the normal way to settle down at a certain age?
On the other hand I will not completely loose the comfort a city has.
A wide spread variety of different restaurants, we have almost each country here and it’s always exciting to try some unknown food.
Shopping is also so easily done as you will find everything you can think of.
Meeting friends in a café especially in summer is awesome. Sitting outside and just watching the busy people around you is something I like so much.
But would I like it if I always see the same persons like in a small village?
For sure not because this was one of million reasons why I moved.
You have to decide what you want…
I want a quiet place with a small garden and nature around me but it should only take me no more than fifteen minutes to be in the middle of the city.
Also important is that it’s near to an airport as we will need in more often in future.
I need it from time to time as I’m not traveling too much nowadays but my future husband will not move completely to Germany.
He has his job which he likes so much and we may be able to start our life together in 4-5 week rhythms.
So what to look for?
I’m a person who always wants to plan and organize and know where to be when. But that’s not what life’s about.
Perfect would be a small house around Munich where we live and raise our children one day?
No, because where is the father – just there every four weeks?
Perfect would be a house in Libya?
No, as I haven’t been there up to now and I cannot imagine something I never saw.
Perfect would be moving to a country we both can imagine like UK?
No, as we don’t know how it work out with our jobs.
Too many No’s at the moment but where we have a big YES is the question if we want to travel the path of our life together and wherever it will lead us, we will make it hopefully or how libyans say, inshallah.
Keep the faith!
Countryside