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Sleep deprivation or how I handle it

As a mom of a 17 months old toddler who is incredibly active I cannot remember when I slept for 8 hours in a row.
It must have been before he was born.
Maybe my breastfeeding dementia is tricking me, but seriously: I MISS SLEEPING
How are you all handling it?
There are millions of moms out there who all went a similar path and we are all still here and 99% of hour days purely happy to have awesome kids.
Is it in our genetics?
I truly think so often in the morning that I have no idea how to make it through the day and then in the end I lay with my son in our bed, for him preferably past midnight (early sleeping is for adults, not for babies or toddlers), and fall asleep in the second he sleeps.
If you ask me how I handle it – I have not the slightest idea.
Don't expect answers here – moreover I would love to hear your thoughts – there must be someone who knows it, right?
Famous tips are lots of coffee or wine (which are surely not meant literally) and both won't work as my toddler is still breastfeeding in the morning and evening and night (and sometimes depending on his mood throughout the day) and no, I don't intend to feed him until he is an adult but for the time being it's mostly ok for us.
I'm not superwoman and I would lie if I would say always because there are early mornings or late evenings where I would love to give him a pacifier in his own bed and close the door.
But our was is different, that's how it is and it's perfect the way it is as I love late night snuggles or how he puts his tiny legs on mine to get closer or snuggles up next to my husband in the morning.
And here I am, writing about sleep deprivation and in the end I tell you how cute and lovely and tiny and wonderful my son is and these sleepless nights or mornings are almost forgotten.
Motherhood is magical, isn't it?

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Hello…someone’s there, I want to join your life…

Hello…someone’s there, I want to join your life…

It took us less than two months until I had a new positive pregnancy test in my hands and this time the excitement was completely different.

© by misssfaith2017 (1)

We were so happy but at the same time completely scared – what if?

There was this what if it happens again and I tried to get it out of my mind as often as possible but it was always lingering around.

This little baby doesn’t deserve a worried and scared mom, it should get all the endorphins a happy mom produces so most of the time I put the ‘what if’ thought aside.

We found out very early as I was tracking my cycle after the first one. I was just 4 weeks pregnant when I had the test in my hand and we started a close schedule of gynecologist appointments for the first weeks mainly to be reassured that all is fine.

© by misssfaith2017 (3)

Our holidays were booked already and during that time I would be around 9 weeks, the same time when we lost our first, so we went for one last check-up before we started to drive to Italy.

In Italy we started to relax and more and more to enjoy this pregnancy and to look forward to the months to come.

This little bean was fed with the best Italian food for almost 3 weeks and swam in the sea with us. We drove back completely relaxed and happy.

Once we hit the 12 week milestone we started to tell others and I finally could walk with a smile on my face.

I had the most wonderful pregnancy you can wish for, no morning sickness, no cramps, no bleeding, no nothing – just a tiny bean that was happily growing inside of me.

I will give you some pregnancy impressions in the posts to come so stay with me if you like to read more.

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Suddenly pregnant

Suddenly pregnant

We weren’t trying trying like many couples do when they want to start a family shortly after the wedding.

What we did is to just see what happens – what’s meant to be will happen when the time is right.

And then there comes a day when you think something is not normal and maybe a pregnancy test could be the answer. The answer was pink, two pink stripes on a test. I was standing in front of it in disbelief.

Is it really real?

Is there seriously a human being growing inside of me?

Are we ready?

You can think you are ready but once you see these two little stripes you start to question everything all over again.

37 years old and you start to question everything you are – am I really prepared to be a mother, am I capable of taking care until the end of my life, will I be able to give enough love to a child, am I good enough, is that really what we want right now or is it too early or shouldn’t we have started earlier and are already too old?

I tried to calm down and made a couple of tests just to be sure my eyes weren’t tricking me, which she surely didn’t.

The next question is how to tell my husband – there are thousands of ideas you will find on Pinterest but who has time to prepare something like that when you just found out yourself and the next thing you would like to do is shouting it out of the window so that everyone knows how happy you are?

What I managed as my husband wasn’t home is to walk to a children’s shop nearby and buy a pair of really tiny socks. The pregnancy test safely in my bag I walked to the café nearby where we had a date (yes, husband and wife and still dates for a coffee, it is possible).

My husband ordered a coffee for me and I was patiently waiting for it to be on the table as I wasn’t trusting myself in regards to emotions and the last I wanted is to burst out in tears (even if these would be tears of happiness) in front of a waitress.

The coffee was served and I pulled out the baby socks out of the bag behind my back.

“I need to tell you something…today at home I was so curious because I’m a bit overdue as you know…so I bought a couple of days ago…eeehm…what I mean is…I made a test. And…”.

I gave him the tiny socks and tears were welling up in my eyes when I saw his expression on his face.

Here we are – two adult persons sitting in a café – touched at the core of our beings by a very very very tiny being hidden inside of me.

A moment to keep in my mind for the rest of my life.

At this moment all these questions were answered – we ARE parents, whatever comes we will be able to handle it together as a family.

(What we didn’t knew by then is that sooner than we could imagine indeed had to handle a situation that wasn’t on our radar at all but that’s another story.)

© by misssfaith2017 (1)

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Stop gently breastfeeding at night

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Stop breastfeeding at night according to Gordon

I’m soooo tired and I read Dr Jay Gordon’s article a couple of times thinking about if that’s a way for us.
Tonight I tried it the very first time.
I cannot even tell you what time it is right now as we are laying in our family bed and the room is dark except of a hidden salt lamp in a corner which gives a tiny bit of light for us as orientation.
Rami went to bed with me as usual, we snuggled and then I breastfed him into sleep.
I have no idea how often I fed him since then as he turns around quite often to get soothed and I stopped counting.
Being tired and exhausted due to this lack of sleep seemed almost normal but tonight I gave it s first try and I’m so so so thankful for this advice.
When Rami turned towards me the felt 100th time tonight I started to rub his back instead of feeding him, talking to him, explaining him that it’s still nighttime and that we go back to sleep.
As expected he started to be angry not to say very very angry.
He didn’t expect me to that as he always got exactly what he wanted for the past 13 months and 2 days or better said nights.
I was prepared (by the article and by fellow moms who did it already) and he started to cry, heartbreaking tears on my babies / toddlers cheeks to dry.
I took him up, trying to rock him like we used to when he was younger but my little stubborn child got more angry.
He flipped and turned and cried, a really angry crying as if he wanted to shout at me “how dare you, mommy”.
I knew it wouldn’t be easy but his crying is really hurting me on the core of my soul.
I stay “hard” and hug him and rock him and soothe him and step by step he started to calm down.
Sobbing the way they do after a long cry but he calms down.
We lay down snuggled up, he lays in my arms and I tell him stories of what we did that day and that we go tomorrow to the playground again, that the sun is hopefully shining brightly when we wake up and that we watch out for dogs again like we used to. He will run after the doves again and we walk to the swing, all these things I tell him and he relaxes more and more, holding my hands while listening with wide open eyes to my voice.
His face looks calm now in the bare shadow of the light and I fall head over heels in love with this little boy again, like every day.
I can’t believe that we made it, the first time in the middle of the night where he is calm without breastfeeding and he looks at me as if he wants to say “it’s ok, mommy, I’m fine. Let’s sleep now as long as I am allowed to be close to you”.
He is allowed to be as close to me as he wants and while I sing to him he turns around in my arms having his nose close to mine, yawning and closing his eyes.
He sleeps and I could cry now.
He’s the purest kind of love I’ve ever met and I never thought that this “hard” way will bring us even closer than before.
Breastfeeding is the closest way of being together is what I thought but it’s not true anymore. He’s growing and our relationship is starting to go to another level.
I write it all down not to forget these precious first moments.
For sure we will continue to breastfeed and this was just the very first night of trying to get nights of sleep but during daytime he can drink lots of his milk as well as in the morning after he woke up and at night when we go and sleep.
This wonderful routine won’t stop for another couple of months I assume and that’s OK!
He deserves the best, my little love ❤️

(So far gone already and before I even introduce Rami, my son, to you I write about last night. This is where we are right now but surely you will read more stories how we got here soon!)

For all who are interested in the Dr Jay Gordon method here the link:
http://drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html