A retreat is not only a fancy wellness vacation with a mindful theme like “open your heart”, “find your passion”, “release your inner child”, or whatever you may think of.
A retreat means literally “an act of moving back or withdrawing”.
Just now, I am on my personal, very own, retreat in our bathroom. There were too many tantrums to take in anymore, our parenting as a unity failed fully today and dinner was…let’s better forget it.
As a result I went away from both men, the big one who’s watching football as if nothing happened at all (except of a furious crazy wife, but this seems not of any concern) and the little one who’s watching kids tv (although the furious crazy mom told him that TV today will not be even a question after his behaviour… “but daddy will turn it on for me” – guess he had a point).
So here I am, sitting with my back against the heater – end of April – because I’m tired and freezing.
Scrolling through Instagram won’t help to feel better, neither does any other social media. What helps is to write it all down.
Get it out of my brain, release the tension, cry, let go, embrace this failure of today and accept that days like today are nothing to be ashamed of. Although I indeed was looking left and right earlier on the playground, when my son was the only one shrieking as if I cut off his arm, just because I asked him to stay out of the construction zone (clearly marked as such).
I retreat from being a mom and a wife, for a little while only of course. I retreat to survive this day.
I started into the day with an hour of Yoga, calm and breathing in and out like a champ. All this relaxation and serenity vanished, minute by minute, hour by hour, and left me exhausted on the bathroom floor.
Can you believe that this time spent alone, me and the heater, is a relieve? I am slowly back to the deep breathing, my mind focused and my body relaxes into the heat. A steam bath or sauna would be extraordinary, but for now the bathroom floor is doing a great job.
I still wear my yoga mala and touching the beads clears my mind.
I am fine!
I am myself!
I am allowed to feel all these feelings!
I am not a bad mom nor a bad wife!
I am human!
I am a woman!
I am who I am and all is fine.
My son will surely not learn his lesson today – he was behaving like a little devil and got the TV at the end of the day…
Of course this is not a shining moment in child’s education but it won’t influence his future irrevocable.
My husband won’t stop loving me because we disagreed almost the whole afternoon and evening. He thinks anyway that I’m not normal, so he got a little proof (this is what he thinks today has been, a proof for my insanity) and will not understand that he wasn’t a great support today. But there will be tomorrow morning, when he takes our son to the kindergarten. There will be millions of moments where he is the perfect dad and the perfect husband.
Just one nerve wrecking day will not destroy what we have, the family we are. It won’t harm the love we three have for one another because this love is stronger than anything!
But yes, it surely destroyed my mood and that’s not ok, but it happens. It happens everywhere and nobody is always happy, right?
Just now I am thinking what to do to get some food into my retreat hideaway. I know, as soon as I open the door my son will come to me. I am still mad and I still want my retreat, preferably with the rest of my salad wrap (which I left angry on the dinner table) or some dessert like a ton of ice cream.
A hot shower and cuddling up in front of TV would be a great end of my retreat, unfortunately only in my dreams.
It’s already late and I guess as the mom I have to chase my son to brush his teeth, change into his pjs and bring him to bed, right?
I just can hope that this will happen smoothly without another tantrum.
Cross your fingers please, if he is tired (what I would be after so many anger attacks) I may watch some TV, which means a few minutes, before I doze away fully dressed…
But in the end, all is fine!
Who can relate? Tell me in the comments that I am not the only crazy furious mom and wife, please!!!