I’m proud because I designed a journal. A gratitude journal.
Being grateful is wonderful to commit to a healthier lifestyle. Being happy with our life is something many are striving for. We don’t need to look on the outside but instead put our focus on what we have already. Shifting perspective is the aim of this journal.
You can start now your own journey with it. Cherish your life in the present moment.
Believe me, this is just the start. My time off-work made me start to write again and there is much more to come, I promise.
A journal is indeed not a masterpiece of writing but for me it is my first printed book with an ISBN on it and I am beyond proud. This is one of the lessons – be grateful for each step, why should I belittle myself if it is an achievement on my way?
Of course I can only write for myself and I changed my mindset to focus on the good and not the bad.
Instead of “it is not a great book where you say about a plot for ages” I’d rather tell myself “be proud of this step on your way. You figured out how to design and create something that’s finally printed and hey, it looks awesome”.
What are the things you are proud of right now?
Let me know in the comments – share your wonderful achievements from your personal way.
And of course here is the link to it if you’d like to have a look.
If you start to learn how to think in a positive way this can lead to a ton of positive changes in your life.
A hopeful outlook can not only be useful for your psychological well-being but also for your physical health.
We all know that certain circumstances can arise and makes it difficult to keep an inspirational positive mindset but the good part is that these situations will pass. The more you find a way of making positive thinking a daily habit, the more you will be able to face these “downs” in life from a different perspective. A positive mind guides you through hard times different than a negative mind.
I want to give you a couple of ideas on how to work on a positive mindset – it is not complicated, believe me.
Take ownership for your behaviour
At the point when you experience issues and challenges throughout everyday life, don’t assume that others are responsible for it. Recognise your part in the game and take ownership. It is rarely others who make your day a disaster, it is in your hands or better said it is in your mind.
Giving instead of taking
If you start to see what you have instead of what you don’t have, then you start to see the good. And even better, you also see what you can give. We are all living with quite high standards compared to others, instead of buying the fifth winter coat, give away the fourth you have to someone in need.
This view will open up a whole new way of feeling grateful – which leads to the next point.
Surround yourself with positive people
I bet you have heard already about toxic people, like consistent whiners, persons who love to complain even on the brightest sunniest day. Their negativity can become part of you. Better invest energy and time with positive loved ones to improve the probability that their positivity will turn into yours as well. It is difficult to be negative when everybody around you is spreading positive thoughts.
Make a daily gratitude list
On the off chance that you begin keeping a day by day appreciation list, you’ll begin seeing precisely the amount you must be grateful for. This can assist you with zeroing in on the positive in your life as opposed to pondering all the terrible things that have occurred in the day.
Getting prone to show a demeanor of appreciation makes positive thinking more about a propensity.
With achieve I mean achievable. There’s nothing worse than unrealistic goals. It will add up on being frustrated and raise negative thoughts. Make small steps towards your goal, like a checklist it will give you a positive mindset as you check completed steps. We tend to want more than we are capable of and this causes negative stress.
A simple trick really is break the goal down into the steps needed to achieve it and then work them off.
Invest energy every day in something that energizes your positive mindset.
Inspirational books, statements, follow motivational social media accounts, read positive news – all of this can assist you with being more positive.
If you listen to bad news the whole day you surely will be depressed, so balance it, there are many positive things happening every day. One is that you are alive.
I would recommend to end your day with positive thoughts as well, immerse yourself in a good book before you sleep. IT helps you not only to sleep better but also to wake up more positive.
To successfully erase negative thinking you need to actively react to these thoughts when they appear. There are thought patterns which need to be broken, like the word ‘never’. It will never work out, I will never succeed, these thoughts will bring you into a kind of vicious cycle.
Instead replace them with ‘this time it didn’t work out, so I analyse why and won’t make the same mistakes next time’ or ‘I failed because…so I know what do to different to succeed’.
All in life is a lesson learned, this is how you started to talk, to walk, to ride a bike.
Think about what results a permanent negativity could have
If you regularly turn towards a negative mindset, it can turn into an inevitable outcome.
For instance, you think, “I likely won’t learn how to cope with the stress at work because it never subsides” and therefore you don’t invest energy into reducing the stress. Thus, your will find yourself in the same surrounding until retirement.
Wouldn’t it be better to take this stress and start to analyse it? Why is it there, from whom is it coming (maybe it’s your own stress out of a subconscious perfectionism), can you minimise it?
Make a rundown of all the manners in which a negative mindset effects your life. It probably impacts your whole life. At that point, start to replace the negative mindset with a positive mindset, step by step.
Tell others something positive
Instead of just thinking that your’ neighbours new fence looks great, why don’t you tell them? Your colleague achieved a tremendous result, then congratulate. It sounds like small acts but these small acts of kindness create a positive mindset, not only for yourself but also for the persons around you. You remember, surround yourself with positive people? Be one of these positive persons yourself.
Be good to yourself
People often think they don’t need for instance a massage, but they gift it to their friend. Why do you think that you don’t need or deserve it?
Taking care of yourself is a big step towards being positive and thinking positive.
Mens sana in corpore sano – a healthy mind in a healthy body
Our ancestors knew it already and we seem to have it forgotten while striving for a career, a family, a whatever you are striving for.
Our body and our mind needs nourishment, only then we are able to reach our goals and cope with what we face along the way.
One of the lessons learned and believe me, this wasn’t an easy one.
It is natural I guess – throughout or life we are doubting… if we are on the right path, doing the right thing, meeting the right people … this is needed as check or ourselves. We build up confidence like that as well.
Doubt becomes a problem when we doubt more than being sure we did something right.
When I write don’t let doubt be your friend I don’t mean it should be your enemy, you will need it, until the end of your life, like a person you meet once in a while but not regularly. Like this person you know your whole life which tells you after a couple of years that you look great, that you changed your style and it suits you, that you were always adored for your skills in whatever, you get what I mean I hope. This person can also tell you that the old car was better than the new you have chosen, but in the end you are driving that car and you need to be feeling good in it.
What are you doing with the car for instance? You may reconsider changing it back because this person had some proper arguments, or you stop thinking about it because it was well thought over in first place?
Doubt is ALWAYS just an adjuster or a confirmer, it is rarely a complete changer but more a lesson learned.
But what if you think you are doing the right thing and all of a sudden Mr. Doubt shows up regularly? He considers himself your new friend and crawls into your life. He is telling you his opinion whenever he can and it’s always the opposite of what you were considering to be right. He starts to drain your energy because it is not easy to be criticized for every step you make. And it’s wrong!
Many may have this colleague who’s acting like that, or even a boss.
Believe me, a good colleague or a well-trained manager would NEVER make you doubt everything. they would make you aware if something isn’t going to the right direction and offer advise, training or help to fix it.
I doubted – too much, so much that I fell exhausted into my bed in the evening because I felt NOT ENOUGH. From the depth of my heart I knew that I did the right thing(s). I even knew it because I got feedback from many others but that one stupid Mr. Doubt was so present and so nagging with his comments that I started to doubt – more and more.
He stepped into my life as if he was an old friend but that’s not true. I knew him and I met him once in a while but I never considered him to be one of my close friends. The opposite, I was always happy when he disappeared and his permanent presence made me feel not good at all, not sufficient and not enough.
I had to learn this and especially I had to learn to tell him STOP!
Stop for the sake of my health – mentally and physically. Once this step was done it felt better because I gained my worth back. My knowledge that has been built up over the years could not be completely wrong as Mr. Doubt tried to make me believe. I was able again to hold my head up high and face him and tell him that he will not succeed in breaking me, because this is what he wanted as my “friend”.
Doubt is like a toxic person
We all know them and we all know that we should keep them very distanced as they otherwise would start to influence our life (and not in a good way).
Almost a year later I am sitting here typing, my stomach still hurts and seems twisted from time to time which is a reminder of what I went through. I’m not complaining because in the end I know who I am and what I am worth! In the end Mr. Doubt and his companions are the poor ones. They will never be happy in their life because as long as you are constantly criticizing others you ignore your own problems which probably are more intense than I can imagine them to be.
We are all human beings, we are all not perfect and that is perfectly fine!
We are supposed to make mistakes to learn and grow. We are exactly where we should be and if someone makes you start to doubt be careful. We can support, we can share experiences, we can give a helping hand, but if we start to put ourselves higher and make others doubting their worth we are the problem, not the other persons!
The struggle to accept and realize that not everyone is my friend even though they pretend to be was long and intense and I don’t want to go through it once again. But truly, I am more mindful and focused than ever before. I’m thankful to know that not I was the problem but others.
If you read my blog before you have an idea of how I think and in this case I could be mad, I could start to hate persons who tried to harm me but that’s not me.
Karma will catch them sooner or later!
I don’t want to poison my thoughts with hatred, I don’t want to invite negativity to my life and I don’t want to hate. To focus on what’s positive in all this is much more rewarding and makes me happier than giving attention to the bad. It doesn’t mean that I ignore, no, I acknowledge, analyse, take my lesson out and then put it aside as it no longer serves me.
I truly hope that whenever you doubt you don’t let these thoughts taking over the reigns – they won’t guide you in a good way. Doubt is not supposed to be permanently present but occasionally only.
Always tell yourself that you are doing the best you can at that time in your life and you are learning along the way. At every second you are where you are supposed to be as the best version of you.
You are worth to kick Mr. Doubt out if he starts to approach you more than you can take. It’s your life!
Stay strong and never doubt the wholeness of your being!
Have you ever thought about it recently? I guess so. This is one of the questions you read on magazines but who has the answer?
The answer is in all of us, in each and every single person alive right now.
Many have lost loved ones – they will surely answer with an yes, but in all honesty, this is not what I mean when I ask.
What I mean is more the question, if this pandemic state is able to change us all in a way that we step away from old habits, that we overthink our whole life, that we start to realise what we need and what we don’t need.
The economy is down, almost in a state which cannot be repaired quickly, but why?
All of us are (and were) buying what we needed during the past three to four months. We were not lacking food and had still enough clothes to wear.
So how can it be that the economy is broken while we still buy what’s essential?
This just shows me one thing: the majority of what the economy is made of is NOT IMPORTANT.
Do we need so many not important items to be available? Or should we start to change our lifes?
Why don’t we drive cars until they are old? Why don’t we wear denims until they have holes? Why do we need so much which is not serving any purpose.
Now you can argue that all serves a purpose because it makes us happy.
But is real happiness something you can buy in a store?
Shouldn’t it be something you feel, experience with someone else, something mundane like an astonishing sunset?
The more I think about this whole situation which is affecting us world wide the more I start to realize what we did, not only to this planet, but also to ourselves. Me included of course. If you have no access to certain things you start to understand their importance and truly the most important during this time is the people you love. Who cares if you wear the newest pair of jeans while sitting on the grass somewhere or stroll through the fields? Who cares if your hair has the newest colour available when you are at home?
Why do we take all these outside impressions so seriously?
Are we not confident enough to be truly who we are? Of course many things are nice to have and I for instance love to use nail polish, but if it’s not available would it kill me? Nope.
We often excuse it with economical reasons, we do it because we support someone else with it – but truly, if you get your nails done in the cheapest Vietnamese store are you seriously supporting?
If you buy a fake brand to “fit into” a society, is this truly the society you want to be in?
If no invitations for events are coming in any more because they are not allowed – how many of your friends call you to ask how you feel?
In the end, I think what I want to say is that everyone should realize how wonderful a life already is and can be without all these superficial items added. Of course they should not vanish and will not vanish but if one thinks twice before adding something “not essentially needed” to his or her life we would have made a huge step forward towards a different world.
Let’s walk together into a future which isn’t build on superficial thoughts – walk into it hand in hand and with an outlook towards a better world than it has been. Together we can achieve so much!
A whole new year lays ahead of us and I’m excited.
Excited and positive, anxious and scared.
Life is unpredictable which makes it interesting but scary at the same.
As a perfectionist you are going to hate it not to know what comes next but the truth is, we will never know what comes next. Neither planning nor wishing will bring us to the point that a life is going as smoothly as we would like.
I just need to look around our home and since we have a child it looks sometimes as if a bomb of Lego and toy animals exploded.
The wonderful part of these “explosions” is that there is life! I admit that I would sometimes which for this old home where you don’t have to clean 24/7 without an end in sight, the times where I just sat down on the couch with a book because nothing else needed to be done. Nowadays there is no “nothing else needs to be done”. This wishing back the old days are only short moments because reality quickly sets in and I’m so grateful for this reality.
Life is far far far away from perfect and this imperfection is so lovely. We are the happiest when we three are together (my son, my husband and I) because indeed, that’s life, that’s reality, that’s all to wish for.
The perfectionist in me is almost crying because I have no idea how this year will go along but what I know is that we can manage all as long as we are a family and love each other like we do.
Is it wisdom that comes with age? I don’t know. Is it what you learn through motherhood? Maybe.
I cannot tell you when exactly this thinking was setting in for me-The more I think about life and what matters most the more I realize that there are profound things like love, trust, emotions, feeling grounded, mindfulness, thankfulness for what is, appreciation of what we have. These are what matters most.
The NOW of our life.
Tomorrow can be anything but if we manage to be happy now we reached a lot!
I’m not a spiritual teacher nor a motivation guide but the more I read and the more I do some research the more I see that many seem to seek happiness and fulfillment.
Our life has far too many choices to reach this stage and we get lost. We lose focus due to the amount of possibilities we have.
Nobody can have it all! I think this is the first and most important step towards an inner satisfaction of what is.
We need to stop ourselves along the way, take a step back, and start to sort. What are our personal priorities, what makes us really happy.
Social media are great, if used properly, and at the same time our personal nightmare, if used as a comparator (in both directions).
As long as we are realistic enough to know that we never ever see the whole picture on social media the usage may be utterly inspiring, we can learn lots and get input. There are some influencers out there who are really showing lots, their raw authentic self, but careful, for the majority we will never grasp the full picture and this is completely OK. We ourselves would also not expose our most vulnerable moments or dark sides to strangers. Just be sure that everyone has these sides (just not visible). The trick is to get inspired by the exposed good stories but don’t feel less worth because of our own failures.
The same goes for news – I barely read them nowadays because I feel more and more depressed, it seems as if there is no peace on earth at all but that’s wrong. Nobody will write a headline about a country at peace. We are responsible to filter all of this for ourselves because no news agency and no influencer and no person besides you is able to see what you need or what you can take at this moment.
You are the first responsibility for yourself and afterwards you decide what you watch, listen to, hear, read, where you step in, help, work, etc. This sounds selfish but it isn’t. Only if you feel at ease with yourself you will be capable of taking the rest.
My husband’s country is in a war state since we met. It won’t help if we start to site here each day and cry and complain and talk about how blessed we are to live here and what an injustice it is that his family is there and and and – it simply won’t help! We need to make sure that we are fine, we are parents, we have a responsibility. And when we are fine we can work, we can try to support, we can be the realistic part on the outside as we are not within, we can be the uplifting part when things go wrong again and try to soothe, we can only give our best in these moments. It is hard but that’s life – unfortunately – we cannot change the world but we can change our approach to our “small” circle in this world and try to be good examples. If everyone would be the best version of him or herself we would make a step in the right direction.
And at teh end of the day my biggest mantra for this year will be nobody is perfect and new ways are always possible – these sentences from a perfectionist are a big step.
My lessons learned from the past years. They may be an inspiration or just a small hint in which direction to think.
Being grateful for what we have and never taking anything for granted is one of the biggest epiphanies ever.
Living in a country without knowing war is not my achievement, it was simply luck of being born here at that time. Thanks!
Having met my husband was such a coincidence, this could never have been planned. Thanks!
Having a really full fridge is a blessing. Thanks!
You could go on like this but you know what, waking up each morning, feeling my heart beating should be reasonenough to be grateful for this life.
A whole new year…lays in front of us.
Let’s focus on the good.
Let’s try to ease the pain.
Let’s help where we can.
Let’s do what we can to make this a better place for all of us.
…and as always we are asking the same old questions. What do you wish for? Is there anything I can buy? Which gifts would be on your wish list?
Isn’t it ridiculous in a way? We beg to give something even though we had a whole year of making our loved ones happy.
What I realize more each year is why my parents tell us since so long that they have all they need. It is indeed true that the time spend together and the memories we make throughout the years are more than we could ever wish for.
Time is the greatest gift. Time well spend with your family.
Even though we know this now we surely will run on last minute and get things wrapped up, an empty floor around the christmas tree is not much appealing, but deep within us we know that nobody will be disappointed when we unwrap the little presents because all we need is already there.
I wish you a merry christmas and lots of time to be spend with your loved ones.
One gift for myself is that I want to revive my page – it seems as if a lifetime passed since I posted the last time.
There is no correct answer to this question! But there are many examples of where we indeed expect too much or have wrong expectations.
Life is not a fairy tale and even if many are dreaming of a big love story lots of them are disappointed in the end.
The question is why.
You meet the person you fall in love with and luckily this person falls in love with you as well.
What else can we wish for?
But there it starts – we start to expect.
The romance should stay a lifetime.
I want to be treated as a princess.
The butterflies should always be there.
That won’t happen!
Do you know that you are one of the luckiest persons on earth if you fall in love and you are loved back?
So many long for this experience and will never know how it feels like!
Why do we start to destroy this love by expecting it to be like this or like that?
Our love is unique as our fingerprint and once we feel our heart beating in the same rhythm as the heart of our loved one nothing will be like it was before.
This pure luck will change us forever!
Change – yes, we do change! But we don’t change to be part of a movie romance story with a happily ever after, where everything falls into place like we wish and smells like roses and candy.
We change as we start to balance between who we are, who we are as a couple, where we want to go (alone and as a couple). There are so many questions and some of them are asked while some are considered answered already because we love each other, don’t we?
Here the first wrong expectations start to set in.
I love but how strong is this love?
Am I able to go against anything if I would have to; to save it or not?
Do I know everything about my partner or do I guess?
Just because I want to spent the rest of my life with this person and have children doesn’t mean my partner wants the same. Or maybe he wants the same but not within the same time I wish for.
Guessing is feeding my wrong expectations.
Of course “we” want to marry – that’s what couples do. Can you answer for your partner? He may have no idea that you think this way and will never ask you because he’s happy just like it is.
Love is happening. That’s correct. So why don’t we take it like it is and instead put this precious love into a time-schedule? And what would be the time-schedule?
If you feel that the love you feel is not making me happy – that’s hard but that happens because of different expectations.
The hardest is to let go!
Once you have the strength to let go and acknowledge that this love is wonderful and all you wished for, but that it wasn’t meant to be for a lifetime; only then you are able to make peace with yourself and with the person who wasn’t fulfilling what you wished for.
It’s not the task of somebody else to fulfill your desires. You are responsible to live the life you want to live. So don’t make the mistake to attach your “happy” to a person. Instead be happy together with that person as long as it lasts!
Life is never black or white. We are so unique and have millions of different thoughts and wishes and hopes; there is no right or wrong when love sets in.
Be thankful for this fast beating heart and the butterflies in your stomach.
Be thankful for the memories you have, for this warm feeling in your heart when you remember how love feels.
Be thankful for the time, for the emotions, for the heartache.
Be thankful for raw pure moments of total bliss.
Be thankful for a heart wide open, letting love flow as if there’s no tomorrow.
Also be thankful for the heartache, for the grief and tears when a love ended.
Only the one who loves deeply will understand what love is.
You know what love is and you are able to love, that’s a gift.
Every love has its uniqueness – if you loved once it doesn’t mean that you will experience the same again.
I can assure you that it won’t be the same. Not because I’m a love expert but because it can never be the same.
You are a different person and the person you love is either a different one or a different person like you due to experiences made before.
I’m not talking about a certain kind of love. Even if we distinguish between the love for a partner, the love for family, the love for a child or the love for friends – they all will never be the same.
Be even more thankful when you live with your love and tell them! Go ahead and tell them how happy you are to be around them, how love is surrounding you.
Happiness in first place is always something inside of you! It can take a million people who love you, they won’t make you happy if you are not able to accept this love in your life.
I wish you a life full of love, a heart warm and happy and with lots of memories and a stomach full of butterflies. But always remember, you are the first person you need to love truly before anyone else has a chance and don’t expect them to love you in a certain way. Take them as they are and be happy!
…and write down new year’s resolutions, we think what we could do better than last year, what we could change, what was good and what wasn’t a masterpiece at all.
And every year I am wondering why we are doing it…
I never set new years resolutions for myself – the typical ones are to eat less sweets, stop smoking, loosing weight, etc. and I have seen to often that all those weren’t met anyway.
Are we too weak or do people just set the wrong goals? I believe it’s the later.
When I want to reach a goal it doesn’t matter if I write it down on 31st Dec or on any other day. If I want it desperately then I will work on it.
If I don’t want it desperately, then no date will help me to reach it and that’s why so many great resolutions never become real.
Why don’t we change this habit to reflect each day on where we are and what we want. This is a routine with more depth than a once-per-year kind of deep thought. I take a certain time just for myself and reflect the past 24 hours.
Am I happy?
What was good today?
What was not so could and how can I change it?
What’s my plan for the next days?
Do I need something that can help me?
Am I treating myself with love?
There are so many questions I can ask myself at the end of the day or in the morning of a new day – these are just a few examples.
Life is complicated enough so we should not start to make it more complicated with setting goals we are not able to reach, this is just frustrating and will bring us down. What we need are things that lift us up, goals which are realistic, people who support us, dreams to catch…
I miss my Yoga and instead of writing down that I want to take 15 min. per day to do some Yoga I stand up and do some sun salutations right here and right now. I can write in my journal “8 sun salutations” and that feels good!
Yesterday I wrote on Instagram the following: Be simply happy is often the most complicated
This sentence has so much to say and but is also so simple to follow. It’s saying nothing more than be simple and live now! We tend to over-do, over-plan, over-think, over-write, over-talk instead of doing what we want to do.
I am one of them, I’m maybe the best worst example for that because I over-think literally EVERYTHING. I try to reach a perfection instead of just taking the moment and that all with knowing very well that nothing is perfect and that imperfection is even more interesting than something that seems to be perfect. I struggle as we all struggle and that’s why it is even more important to remind me and all that we are not here to be perfect.
We should be happy, we should love and smile and enjoy and treat us well.
At the end of our life nobody will remember the perfect house, the neat clothes, the combed hair, the clean windows or the success at work. At the end all that counts are all those imperfect happy moments we spent.
Instead of running after imaginary goals start and live now!
Stand up wherever you are right now, look up, breathe, reach your arms up high and embrace all the beauty around you. This life is wonderful if we let it be…
Yesterday was mother’s day, the day where mothers are cherished a bit more than normal.
Shouldn’t we be celebrated daily? I mean, honestly, aren’t we doing extraordinary jobs day in and day out?
Yes, we do and we know deep down in our heart. And you know what? All the people around us know this as well, they just don’t tell us daily.
There’s lots of sparkle and magic around us, we are just often too blind to see it. If we could once see ourselves through the eyes of our children we would know.
If I feel exhausted, tired and crappy I doubt that I would smile to my own face in the mirror BUT my son is looking at me and smiles, he’s kissing me and hugs me in the morning with a look on his face as if there’s nothing better than having morning snuggles in bed with me.
He doesn’t care if my hair isn’t sorted or if I have an imprint of the pillow on my cheek – he sees his mom, his shelter, his world, his universe – he see’s me with a childish purity and this purity is what we lost along the way while growing up.
For him I sparkle even on my worst days. For him I am surrounded by magic day in and day out (he is Crafted by Magic). I can blow away the pain if he got hurt, I can give hugs which save him from bad dreams, I can do so many things he sees as magic and I want to keep him in his little bubble of pure happiness for as long as I can.
We went out of the city yesterday and while being at a lake it started to rain heavily but instead of leaving we ate crepes and watched the rain.
We are the ones who show how life is, if I run and hide each time I see a raindrop my child will do it too. Why don’t we follow our children once in a while and jump into puddles simply because it is so much fun?
There was a thunderstorm in the evening when we were back home and we stood in the darkness on the window and were waiting excited for the lightning, counting the seconds until the thunder was following. These are the magic moments of motherhood, stillness, awe, magic, thunder and lightning, life in its purest form, scared hugs to realize after a while that mom isn’t scared so I can let go as well and enjoy the sound of the rolling thunder.
You see – my mother’s day wasn’t all sunny and pink and flower-ish BUT it doesn’t have to be to be a wonderful day. What makes my mother’s day perfect and any other day as well is the wonderful child I am allowed to raise and my husband who shows me maybe not daily how wonderful I am but who sees with his heart and that’s the magic we all need in our life!
When I had plenty of time – day in and day out. I started to draw and paint to live the creative part of me. I started to do Yoga to move my body and still my mind.
I had time to go to get my nails done, to sit in a café and just watch people walking by while slowly drinking a huge latte macchiato, I had regular hairdresser appointments and lots of time for shopping. I spent lots of time on writing and even more on reading, reading real paper books.
This time has gone!
I have no time at all, this is a feeling that implanted itself into my brain.
I need to rush through my life because everything is planned and organized and if I get off this schedule tragedies will happen.
I rush to the Kindergarten to be in time before they start their day, I rush back to work, I squeeze appointments in between my work schedule as I cannot attend them with my son. I rush to the Kindergarten to pick him up and run with him through the supermarket because he’s tired and cranky. I rush back home and hope he sleeps so that I can finish my work and prepare dinner, when he wakes up there’s no possibility that I sit on my desk as he will go mad.
We need to play (which is his right!) and that’s the first time where I can slow down a bit. After dinner he’s fully awake and energized to enjoy a long evening with us which means not really time for me to do something creative or watch a movie without interruption, a bit of Yoga works as he starts to like that. It’s late when the day ends and sleeping without me is still rarely happening and instead of reading a few “pages” on my e-book I check emails in bed and hope he’s sleeping deeply soon so that I can take a shower before my eyes close because I’m so tired.
Is this the life I imagined with a child? No. Is this how life just is as a working mum? No.
I think I had to go through this to realize something…
No tragedies happen if I’m off the schedule!
Surely work needs to be done and there will always be days like this BUT it’s up to me to change the majority of days to a more relaxed and flexible schedule.
The more relaxed I am, the more relaxed my son is.
We listen to music in the morning while getting ready to leave the house and we snuggle a while, that’s MORE important than sitting five minutes earlier in my office.
These moments won’t come back!
My office day is scheduled, there’s no way to be completely relaxed there as we have timelines and things need to be done in time but that’s just a matter of prioritizing my work and have proper to-do-lists. If I work highly concentrated instead of being distracted by stressed thoughts about what comes next I work in a more efficient way and yes, more de-stressed. If I need to finish something in the evening anyway why not to drive to the supermarket before I pick my son up? This way I’m faster and my son can go home from the kindergarten right away and snuggle up for a good sleep. I prepare dinner, I work, I am finished when he wakes up and we can do some great things together – we can finish cooking on days I didn’t manage to and he loves the kitchen, or we play or we go to the playground for a while, or we bath him, or or or.
I may not have the time still to work on my paintings, to write lots, to read lots, but I find time to enjoy, I find time to look at a caterpillar as if I discovered something completely new because my son shows me how to do that.
We go outside and search the whole sky until we find a plane or the moon or even both. We start to walk and stop again because there’s a cat climbing up a tree and we follow her to see where she goes. My little love is not even two years old.
He learned a ton of things in his life already and he is ruling our day!
I am his mother and it’s my task to be at his site, to carry him when he’s tired, to feed him when he’s hungry, to show him this world and to go on my knees to face him on his level.
It’s my life as his mother and I love to do all of this because he should be the happiest child on this planet.
I’m able to write (as you can see), it isn’t as regularly as it once was but does that matter? I’m able to do things just for myself, they are limited and not much but that’s OK. I’m able to draw once in a while, I’m able to do many things I used to do but is that really important right now? No, it isn’t.
Important right now is that we live in this very moment because these days pass by like crazy. My little baby is a toddler already and he soon will be doing things on his own and doesn’t want me to help him or to play with him. I don’t want to miss these days and look back one day to regret that I wasn’t crawling on the floor, checking what is under the table or under the couch, just because it makes him laugh in such a giggling wonderful way. I will have plenty of time in the future for all the other things but right now every minute spent with this little bunch of pure happiness is all I need.
The year is ending and it’s time to recap (as each year) – what was good, what was bad, what could have been better and how. People tend to start thinking about their life when days are shorter and the dark time is longer, they become even slightly depressive and make big plans on new years resolutions not to be in the same misery at the end of the coming year but is it helping?
Are new years resolutions worth the time at all? I don’t think so.
Most people I know started happily into the new year, proud that they managed 5 days in a row not to eat meat for instance. And then?
Latest in February everything is over and on thanksgiving the turkey is filled even with bacon and they start to dwell about what they have to change for the year to come.
A vicious circle, isn’t it?
I don’t like resolutions at all, I don’t like to promise myself that I do something over and over again just because it may sound good as a Facebook post and probably will bring me a hand full of likes and loves and shares.
What I like is to do something because I want to do it from the bottom of my soul, something which won’t let me down if I miss one day or two. Something which adapts to my way of living while changing my way of living.
Gratitude – gratitude is so easy if we open our minds and it will change your mood instantly, I promise!
Thinking about something you are grateful for is an easy task which directly guides your thoughts into a positive way of thinking. I don’t know someone who is grateful for the spilled coffee in the morning. But I assure you that you will be in a good mood when thinking about the colleague who was so kind helping you cleaning the floor where you spilled your coffee and the nice chat you had while doing so.
Your day won’t be over when you miss one day of thinking about grateful moments, it still will be a normal day, you won’t feel bad because if you would you directly start to think about something positive again. You see, it’s another vicious circle, this time a very positive one.
Do we need big life changers? I don’t think so. What we need is a level of awareness.
We are here now, this very moment is a moment to be grateful for. I’m sitting and writing while my son sleeps and life is calm and quiet. I don’t hear bad news and I don’t feel cold or sick. I try to motivate people with what I’m writing and that’s good. This is a simple moment, nothing fancy and exciting, BUT it is a moment I’m grateful for, right here, right now.
I hope you see the point I try to make and I hope you have days full of these grateful moments because what we need in life is a series of good times plus the willingness to see the good which is coming after the bad (yes, bad moments happen, I cannot deny that). The art of living is to turn everything into something you can be grateful for.
That’s not easy, indeed not, but it is so damn worth it, believe me.
Instead of crying start to smile, instead of shouting start to whisper, give it a serious try and you will see, it works. Not always, that’s for sure and good, only if we experience the crying and shouting we know why we should smile and whisper.
I try to wrap it up and I don’t find a proper sentence – this is my imperfect life just now just here and I love it.
Share these thoughts if you like, it would make me happy and would give me another grateful moment – if you don’t want that’s good as well because my life is not depending on one moment, it depends on a series of moments as does yours.
Do you know these families who have a certain area around their home for the first years after a child was born? "Aurora needs her nap time in her bed." "Lucas is not sleeping anywhere else." Or worse, the parents who need the whole children equipment from bottle warmer to rocking chair, the ones who are not able to improvise and stick to their patterns. We are not like that, neither our child nor we. We love to travel and the easiest for me ist to travel by car. You throw all you need inside and off we go. We spent already lots of time in the car so it's a bit like a second home. If you don't expect it you'll find a diaper (often when you indeed need it) or jacket which we thought lost. Yes, it's a bit messy and I admit that we are at the end of October and we still have the beach umbrella in the back and Tuscan sand on the floor, that's us and I love it! The best of these messy details is that they don't matter, what matters is that we have a big radius around home already and that we know we can go in whatever direction and we are happy. A travelling toddler who sleeps everywhere is worth the mess. His seat is based on cookie crumbs and our family is based everywhere. He sleeps apparently everywhere when he is tired. What he needs is the reassurance that we are around and that he is safe with us. Everything else doesn't matter, it can be loud or quiet, sunny or dark, crowded or peaceful, when he is tired he grabs our hand or hugs us tight and off to the land of toddlerdreams. But what about sleeping times and nap times? We don't have them. And before someone starts to argue how important steadiness is…we love that we don't have them! He is 18 months old, he sleeps when he's tired, he eats when he's hungry and we give him the freedom to grow without a strict schedule as much as we can. Latest with 6 years when he starts school this life is over as he cannot go to school when he likes or stays in bed longer in the morning when he's supposed to be in his class. What are 6 years compared to a lifetime? We should cherish these first six years where our kids are mainly free little birds. The kindergarten (Kita) for kids under three started for us in September and he's doing it great. He has a nap time there and he's actually napping and he eats when they all eat. Children are able to adapt quickly and they know which rules apply where so why should we limit his freedom at home? We are now on our way to my parents and he sleeps in his car seat next to me while I'm writing and my husband drives, this is our on the road life, one glance at it. Most people tend to make life more complicated than it is. What is really important, especially with children? Now! Now is all we should focus on. Our children could be our teacher because they know how it works by heart. BE HERE NOW (look at your child and soak in the love). At the end of the day WE are important, the core of our beings. Our travelling toddler is happy, and so are we ♥️ that's the essence of life, isn't it?
It is the most wonderful thing on earth to become a mom, I sign this sentence every second of my life because it is the ultimate truth!
But, and this but isn’t diminishing the overall happiness, there are times where you ask yourself how to move on. You will, so don’t worry, the question for me is always where the strength is coming from and I haven’t found an answer yet.
What nobody tells you is that you indeed will never sleep like before. Even if you are one of the lucky moms with sleep-through babies or toddlers, the sleep isn’t the same. If the neighbor 2 miles down the road opens a water bottle you will hear it. You are in an alerted state the whole night long, which indeed is great to protect your child. Whenever it breathes somehow strange for your ears you are wide awake.
I enjoyed the luxury of a full year staying at home with my baby and you think that will be like a long vacation – forget that.
Diaper changes are very frequent in the beginning and I mean frequent, as is the feeding routine. There were days where I was breastfeeding 24/7 (at least it felt like it). Spending 2 minutes on your own in the bathroom were the vacation.
Sports, your new hobby will be “running in circles” as this is what happens with a baby. Once you think all is done it will start all over again.
I love to read BOOKS and I always was in denial of getting a kindle or something similar because books need to be out of paper, live, smell. Did you ever try to read a book when the baby sleeps next to you? The light is too much, turning a page sounds as if you are reconstructing the bedroom while your baby should sleep, I’m so glad that I gave in and bought a kindle, otherwise I wouldn’t have read a page in a year.
Now that my baby is a walking toddler he discovers how to make fun of mommy and he’s doing things on purpose. Especially things he shouldn’t do at all. It’s driving you insane when you run after him for the same thing over and over again but the smile on his face because he has so much fun is worth all of it.
I loved every second when he was a baby and every time has its own enchantment.
Now with 14 months he comes on his own to give kisses and to snuggle and there’s nothing more lovely than tiny arms wrapped around your neck – this unconditional love you give from the second your child is born and even before is coming back to you. There is someone who loves you in the purest form of love and who trusts without boundaries.
Were there sleepless night, was their food on the floor, were there diapers everywhere as he found out how to open the diaper box, was there a phone in the toilet, were your keys in the trash bin? EVERYTHING is forgotten at those moments and you are again 100% sure that having a child is the one thing in life which you will always be most proud of and which was the best decision you’ve ever made.
The most important in my life is my son and his well-being – blessed with a wonderful childhood myself I’m trying my best to give him exactly this, a carefree time, building memories, trust, love, understanding, time, time to grow and to discover the world in his own speed, time to spend with his parents, a family, the feeling of being loved and wanted because that’s the truth.
It’s a whole new dimension in life when you become a parent – I thought I had a rough idea on how it would be but I was innocent, only when you are a parent you will be able to partly understand what it’s all about and even then you will doubt if you are doing all right and if you are a good parent.
Believe me, you are!
Our children know more than we do and these little souls know that we are giving all we can to make their life wonderful.
A day in the life of a working mum…without childcare
Let me show you a typical working day with a toddler at home.
8.00 am – 9.30 am – I actually work
9.30 am – the toddler wakes up
Washing him and changing diapers, breastfeeding, carrying him, sitting and rocking , playing, emptying the dishwasher, starting the washing machine, feed him, playing, answering the phone, breastfeed again, dressing him, reading mails in between, answering IMs from colleagues…
…and all of a sudden it’s 11.45 am.
So off to the bed, breastfeeding until he drifts off into sleep.
12.01 pm conference call
12.25 pm – the toddler (who found out recently how to leave the family bed on his own) taps into the room (seriously, only half an hour where I hoped for at least triple that time to get work done).
Breastfeeding number 4 – he still doesn’t want to eat, I tried.
I shift clothes from the washing machine into the dryer, make soap bubbles to entertain my son and try to answer some emails in between.
12.45 pm – I feel like a cow as he’s sitting on my lap latched again – number 5 for today and no end in sight. I truly love it but when you work you wish that he just eats his bread, yogurt, fruit, instead of occupying me every minute of the day (although he has the right for sure).
1.00 pm – my husband is home so that I can finally work properly at least for a while.
1.30 pm – I cooked pasta for my son with the end result that he ate exactly two while I ate the salad from yesterday evening.
It’s now 2.00 pm – I have a conference call soon that needs preparation (at 3.30 pm) and my lovely toddler sits on the floor beside me, makes noises with a paper box and yawns.
At least I can answer emails again – the sound would have disturbed me a year ago but hey, you’re getting used to focus even when it’s completely noisy around you.
2:30 pm – he ate a few bites of bread and the last was spit well chewed on the floor, and not on the wooden part, no, on the carpet so that I need to clean it with more efforts than on the wooden floor. Still no sign of being ready to sleep, I know after 14 months when it makes sense to lay down with him and when not. In his current mood we would spend an hour in the bed and he wouldn’t sleep so I let him play with the hope that he is soon really tired.
3.00 pm – less than 30 min left until my conference call and my toddler isn’t tired at all – the only option will be that he stays with his dad.
3:29 pm and he’s ‘talking’ loudly with his dad in the bedroom – I have a toddler resistant to sleep on some days. He will sleep, exactly then when we would like to go outside and do some grocery shopping.
Just happy that it’s Friday and this work week is almost over.
4.00 pm – he seems to sleep as I don’t hear anything but I can’t check as I need to jump from one conference call into the next, fortunately the last for today.
For this call I only need to listen so I can start to think about what to cook for dinner today and what we need to buy before shops are closing.
5.30 pm – I’m stuck in that call longer than expected and meanwhile all are awake again so I’m sitting on my desk with a muted headset, my son is running around and wondering what mommy is doing, breastfeeding number 6 for today (I’m not sure if I missed some already as it’s so normal these days) and I’m annoyed because I would give everything to just throw the laptop and enjoy the time with my family. But this job is paying lots what we love in our life and quitting is not an option, besides it is a great job at many times but just now I wish I would be a millionaire not caring for such things as conference calls.
Am I the only one or are other working moms also feel guilty not to be there 100% for their children. I’m apologizing so often to him although he won’t understand a word I’m saying that I still need to do this or that before we can play.
It’ll be past 6.00 pm when I finally am off work and then the private stress will start – what do we really need today, is there something that can’t wait until tomorrow? Cooking dinner is hanging like the Damocles sword above me because I long to have a bit time for NOTHING. No thinking, no you need to, you have to, have you already or when will you – just a quiet hour to recharge but that won’t happen until my son sleeps which recently is rarely before midnight.
I send this post now, unfinished, as the rest of the day until I will fall into my bed (or better until I try to go to my side of the bed without waking him up) I won’t find the time anymore. If I don’t send it now it may sit in my drafts for the next weeks.
That’s motherhood, a day of a working mom without childcare, a crazy day with a toddler, that’s my life and even if it is often beyond exhausting I would NEVER EVER change it back.
Stay strong – we are strong!
And stay away of the thought to be perfect, nobody needs to be perfect! My messy hair will be in a bun in 5 minutes to leave the house and if you look around then you will see many imperfections, so no worries. Most important now is a happy toddler and that’s why I’m off into the weekend now. Bye
The last stop is Verona and the lake Garda, we’ve been here before as well but both are worth a second and even a third, fourth and fifth visit if you ask me.
The hotel is at the lake and after we checked in we went to the pool to swim and relax a bit. In the early afternoon we got ready to drive to Verona (which is an around 30 km way).
There was so much traffic that we were wondering what’s going on in the city and we were already a bit scared that parking will be a nightmare but our hidden parking garage from our last visit seems to be an insider tip as it was almost empty.
Once there we found out that Aida would be played for the last time this season in the Arena Verona and therefore many were driving into the city.
We strolled through the old part of Verona, ate gelato, enjoyed the rays of sunshine on our skin.
In the evening we planned to eat Pizza in a Pizzeria very close to the Arena which tasted so good the year before. This year it was even special as we were able to listen a bit to the music from the arena although it’s indeed much less what you hear outside than I thought.
(The man is my husband so no worries about people on picture rights 🙂 )
There it was, our last evening in Italy for this year. The years to come will never be the same because we will be three persons. There are exciting times in front of us and we can’t wait to meet this little baby.
Will it be a boy or a girl? We have already a name for each but which name will be written down for the first time in April 2016 to document the birth of our new family member?
You see there is much more to write about…
At the end I give you a few more Italy impressions – enjoy.
415 km later we are back in ‘our’ area and still enjoy our holidays.
The garden of the farm where we stay (see part 1) is a dream and perfect to relax in.
We go almost daily to the beach, just lying in the shadow of our umbrella, swimming, eating and living the Italian sentence “dolce far niente” which means the sweetness of doing nothing.
On the beach free days we love to visit cities.
Siena is worth several visits as is San Gimignano.
We kept Florence for the way back home and decided to stay one night in Florence and one night in Verona before we are completely back in our day-to-day routine at home.
I have the feeling as if I walk on clouds during these holidays – knowing that I’m responsible now for a tiny human being is lifting my mood to a level I didn’t knew before, is it called bliss, I don’t know. Sure is that it feels so good that I will remember it for the rest of my life!
It is known that women change during pregnancy (obviously) and that the perception (smell, taste) can change.
I have only two things I cannot stand at the moment which are bananas and my husband’s perfume. Both nothing which bothers me too much, besides these everything is just much more intense. The food tastes better, the flowers smell more, life is wonderful.
I soak in everything nice during this summer, I want my baby to smell the summer in Italy, it’s the first holidays we have as a family and he or she is living inside of me. I believe that embryos sense what’s going on around them, even at that early stage.
After the full dose of relaxation we have to start packing for the way back.
For the last evening we decided to say “goodbye” with a barbecue in the wonderful garden (I can’t say it often enough) and once we finished eating it started to rain slightly as if Grosseto was sad too that we gonna leave the next day.
After we said goodbye to Marzena and her family in the morning and promised that we will be back one day with the bambini I’m happy that we will stop twice before leaving Italy and not drive back all the way at once.
Florence, here we come.
The David is “someone” I need to show you – here he is the famous David from Michelangelo:
The ‘Dolce far niente’ is something you can also enjoy in the middle of a city full of tourists and noises, here my yoga practice is diving in as I learn to focus on one thing at a time and this time it’s a wonderful Moroccan peppermint tea.
The city is wonderful and we love to go through without a plan. My husband bought tourism-like a selfie-stick so the crazy parents-to-be have quite an album full of selfies.
What I see now besides the fun we had is the glow everyone was talking about – here I see the first time this pregnancy glow on my face and if men have it as well my husband is one of them. We were as happy as we thought we could be.
Florence is wonderful so I’ll leave you with some impressions for now. The fifth part will follow, I promise!
To give our ‘laziness’ a break we decided to spend our wedding anniversary in Pompeii and Naples. My husband’s birthday is one day before our anniversary so I tried to organize an ice cake the evening before to surprise him with at midnight.
That’s not an easy task when you are 24/7 more or less together but being pregnant I had always the excuse to go and check for a toilet. As much as I hated it, this time it was really good as an excuse.
When we were walking through Grosseto a couple of days before I’ve seen a small shop with wonderful ice cake creations (it’s a pity that I don’t remember the name, I would’ve told you but the struggle with pregnancy dementia is not a joke.) and as we were about to drive back to the apartment I ran there, asked them to put the ice cake on ice so that it’s not melted before we’re arriving and put it into the car before I went back to my husband.
I can tell you, that wasn’t easy, the most complicated part was not to buy all of them as they all looked so delicious and you know how it is, once you want something you can’t stop yourself from craving it so much that it hurts (and always say “It’s the baby, the baby wants it, not me.”).
Oh how I loved being pregnant – while writing down all these memories I cannot wait for having a second baby – it was such a wonderful time.
The birthday surprise was good as my husband really was wondering how and when I bought the cake – I love being able to surprise him like this.
We had a wonderful sunny day and planned the trip to Naples the next day.
Marzia was checking if her guests were happy and we told her that we leave the next morning not that she wonders why our apartment is empty for two days. It’s really as if you tell your family what you plan so that they won’t worry.
Lots of water to drink in the car and something to eat as well – we had 415 km to go and planned to drive early in the morning so that we arrive before the heat of the day would be there. What we underestimated is that the Naples region is again much warmer than the Grosseto region so we ended up with 39°C at noon.
Pompeii – my little baby deep inside my belly, Pompeii is a very special place because your mommy was soaking in everything she could find about the story of Pompeii and the archaeological site. It took her 37 years to finally be at the gates of this ancient city and sharing this with your daddy and of course with you is very special. Let’s have a wonderful afternoon in here and I promise I will rest in the shadow when I find shadow and drink lots so that you can swim happily deep inside my belly.
Hot, hot, hot, it looks as if we had chosen one of the hottest days of the year but when you think about the tragedy of Pompeii you start to shiver and inside a building where some of the people of Pompeii were laying even your blood freezes. It’s so interesting and sad at the same time. You can see a child buried in his father’s arm – the cruelty touches especially when you expect your own child.
I knew by then already that whatever happens I would throw myself in front of this baby no matter what but that these people had to do it because there was no other way out and even if they did all died in the end is a nightmare.
My dream of Pompeii was reality and I was standing there but besides all this bittersweet beauty of that place I was a bit disappointed – archaeologists work to uncover every tiny bit of this story but as a visitor you have no idea because the people who “run” this place seem not to care. I’m not sure if it’s the city of Naples that’s in charge or who it is but I would’ve been willing even to pay more entry if I would get more information for that.
There are streets, houses, gardens where certain people surely know who was living there, was that a bakery next to a butcher, where were the areas of the richer people, all these stories behind the stones are missing pieces from my point of view when you walk through Pompeii.
Where were the school and the senate? Did they had a public swimming area like there were in Rome?
These are the remaining parts – so cruel to see yet even more important to show that they all were human beings having a normal life.
If I would get paid I would move there for as long as it takes to work with the archaeologists, read the history in the files of the city, do research and create a way to guide the visitor’s through a Pompeii that’s full of life, through a Pompeii on the day before the Vesuvio erupted, on a normal day in the city. Oh what a dream this would be.
After a long afternoon we checked in at our hotel in Naples.
The hotel was nice and quite central but not easy to find and with an outside parking area which seems normal for Naples but is a bit scary when you know that Naples is a city full of crime.
Once there we showered off the dust of Pompeii and started relaxed into an evening of what? Of food…Naples is known as the birthplace of Pizza so we had to try Pizza but also some pasta and gelato.
After Pizza and Pasta we started to walk through Naples, we followed our heart, walking hand in hand, free as birds, stopped for ice cream, enjoyed the evening air which settled in and took a bit of the heat of the day away, we went into small streets where clothes were on lines between the houses like you see it on typical Naples picture. Naples is not only nice, it’s also dirty but we tried to ignore the fact as we wouldn’t stay long.
The three of us had a relaxed evening and slept great after such an exciting day.
On the next morning we started with breakfast in the hotel which I love while my husband hates it.
Before we left the room I had a green tea which started to become a daily habit to reduce my coffee intake during the pregnancy.
After that I has a buffet in front of me and I can sit hours to eat and have coffee and eat and enjoy the morning while my husband wants his coffee and that’s it.
Now with me being pregnant he couldn’t tell me I should eat quickly as our baby needs all the vitamins and of course a relaxed and happy mom.
Before we started to drive back to our apartment in Grosseto we enjoyed the morning in Naples and strolled through some shops, had a last coffee in this city and stocked up the water for our way.
All in all that was a great 2nd wedding anniversary and we may come back but only to show Pompeii to our child (or if they want me to work for the archaeological site 🙂 ).
415 km to go now – more of the Tuscany will follow in another post.
It was just the beginning of my pregnancy when we drove to Italy.
These holidays were planned and I was even more excited to visit the places with our baby in my belly.
Couple time for almost three weeks without stress, without work, without daily routine, without plan.
Yes, without plan. What I like is that we spend our holidays according to our mood and indeed without a plan.
We want to sleep long, we do it, we want to visit a certain city, we drive there, we want to eat ice-cream for breakfast, yes, we do that. Perfect for a pregnant woman.
I was a bit worried as the way from Munich to the Grosseto region is quite a ride but with lots of breaks it was completely fine.
The interesting is that as soon as we are over the Brenner Pass it’s like a button that is pressed and we run in holiday mode. It’s like a magic line, before we are too close to home to feel the holidays already and after that line all is relaxed and sunny and the radio is already playing Italian music.
We’ve chosen to stay in an agriturismo quite close to the sea which is like an apartment on a rural farm. The year before we were more inside the country and my husband had an encounter with a very tiny scorpion and since then the first question before we even check for the price is: “Have you seen scorpions in your area?”.
Our choice was close to perfect! (I will add the address as a footnote for those interested)
We were expected by Marzia Lucchetti, the owner, and found a homemade cake on our kitchen table to welcome us made by her mother. A family run farm where you feel the warm-hearted atmosphere on the doorstep.
This was our base camp to start excursions in all directions. It would be our last Tuscany visit as a couple. The next time we would go to Italy it would be a family vacation where activities need to be more baby friendly.
First on the list – find a beach nearby which is not too full and has nice sand. That was easy as the region has indeed wonderful beaches.
Checking the area is something we love, we just start to drive and see where we end up. Going north felt familiar as we went there the year before and many places were close to our hearts already and a must for this year like San Vincenzo, San Gimignano, Piombino with the wonderful view to the island Elba and of course the bigger cities Siena and Florence.
Exploring the Maremma area was new and we found some hidden jewels for us there as well, Castiglione della Pescaia is one of our favorites, so small but such a wonderful atmosphere in the evening.
Grosseto itself is also nice, we liked it to sit on the market place in the evening when families gather there and children are playing, when will we be back with our child? Will he or she run crazily around like the other kids do, these thoughts were so new yet so full of love already.
These holidays would be the best before a new chapter in our life would start, I was sure about that and the fear that something could go wrong (again) subsided step by step.
We weren’t trying trying like many couples do when they want to start a family shortly after the wedding.
What we did is to just see what happens – what’s meant to be will happen when the time is right.
And then there comes a day when you think something is not normal and maybe a pregnancy test could be the answer. The answer was pink, two pink stripes on a test. I was standing in front of it in disbelief.
Is it really real?
Is there seriously a human being growing inside of me?
Are we ready?
You can think you are ready but once you see these two little stripes you start to question everything all over again.
37 years old and you start to question everything you are – am I really prepared to be a mother, am I capable of taking care until the end of my life, will I be able to give enough love to a child, am I good enough, is that really what we want right now or is it too early or shouldn’t we have started earlier and are already too old?
I tried to calm down and made a couple of tests just to be sure my eyes weren’t tricking me, which she surely didn’t.
The next question is how to tell my husband – there are thousands of ideas you will find on Pinterest but who has time to prepare something like that when you just found out yourself and the next thing you would like to do is shouting it out of the window so that everyone knows how happy you are?
What I managed as my husband wasn’t home is to walk to a children’s shop nearby and buy a pair of really tiny socks. The pregnancy test safely in my bag I walked to the café nearby where we had a date (yes, husband and wife and still dates for a coffee, it is possible).
My husband ordered a coffee for me and I was patiently waiting for it to be on the table as I wasn’t trusting myself in regards to emotions and the last I wanted is to burst out in tears (even if these would be tears of happiness) in front of a waitress.
The coffee was served and I pulled out the baby socks out of the bag behind my back.
“I need to tell you something…today at home I was so curious because I’m a bit overdue as you know…so I bought a couple of days ago…eeehm…what I mean is…I made a test. And…”.
I gave him the tiny socks and tears were welling up in my eyes when I saw his expression on his face.
Here we are – two adult persons sitting in a café – touched at the core of our beings by a very very very tiny being hidden inside of me.
A moment to keep in my mind for the rest of my life.
At this moment all these questions were answered – we ARE parents, whatever comes we will be able to handle it together as a family.
(What we didn’t knew by then is that sooner than we could imagine indeed had to handle a situation that wasn’t on our radar at all but that’s another story.)