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Real-Life Thoughts Of a Working Mom

Real-Life Thoughts Of a Working Mom

Travelling for work sounds fancy – but this is the real-life part of it.

It’s 4 am – I’m freezing and beyond tired.

Sitting on a  Canadian air plane with hot black tea, as I needed something warm, and a bag of pretzels in front of me.

Thoughts are shifting from the purpose of life to let me finally sleep and back. 

This life is crazy.

The full moon is following us all the way from Toronto to Raleigh, it’s shining brightly and is bigger than last time.

Somehow the moon is always earthing me, bringing me down to what really counts.

Being alone here isn’t it. I miss my family and try to shift the thought from missing to being thankful that I am loved. 

fly me to the moon

It will be a firework of kisses and hugs when I return. How lucky am I?

That’s the essence, the purest kind of life purposes, family hugs, wet toddler kisses, husband hugs that feel like safe haven, unity.

I’m almost 20 hours awake now and after so many hours of travelling the only important thought is about my two men, snuggled up home deeply sleeping in our bed. 

This is the second time that I travel alone since our son is born. I miss him like crazy, his tiny little hand searching for me in the night to sleep, assured that he’s safe. His hugs so tight and so full of love around my neck.

That is all that matters, he, my husband, my family. I needs sometimes a full moon night all alone to remember what is known deep inside. We forget too offen because daily life occupies and stresses us too much. 

All the small wonderful moments, nothing more is needed to be happy.

Being so far away is somehow scary, as a mom you not only start to feel a love beyond imagination, you also start to worry in a way you never thought about. 

Many of the worries are like an instinct and naturally good, they serve you and don’t disturb. But there are also worries which my husband would call ridiculous. Moms “What ifs” like “what if he falls and I cannot hug him and kiss the pain away as I always do?”. Yes, that one is maybe ridiculous because I know that  his dad can take care, I know that I cannot protect him his entire life, I know he will handle it without me, but was someone ever thinking about me?

I want to be there, I am not ready to let go, I feel the pain deeper than anything as he’s the most important part of me. Oh my, did I write that?

Am I now a ridiculous helicopter mom?

No, I’m not and I can tell you why.

Because I am sitting on a plane on the other of the globe, I left him alone with my husband and I know that this is more than fine. Rational I know all of it! I let him discover the world and am not overprotective, even if I would like to be.

But emotionally, mentally, this is the hardest part of motherhood, letting go.

I put the pretzels in my bag. I guess my suitcase will be full of tiny things for him because he likes them. Apart from that, it’s 4:30 am – who eats pretzels at this time?

Ok, it’s 10:30 pm over here but I have mentally not arrived in this time zone. I could sleep standing now.

We prepare for landing and the thing what I want most now is rush as fast as I can to the hotel, jump into the bed and fall asleep thinking of how safe and sound he sleeps next to my husband. 

As long as you are working, the missing subsides a tiny bit…

Its 3 pm – four days later. Bright daylight and with short sleeves on the plane to Toronto. You can’t believe how good that feels. These past days were great, tired, new, exhausted, successful, and so much more. I worked more than on normal days but staying in a hotel and evenings in restaurants also meant I had less to do after work than on normal days at home. No cooking, washing, cleaning. Many pros and cons, at the end, the cons definitely are more because everything I see while travelling is only my memory and especially when I discover new areas I want to share these memories. I want to tell my husband “do you remember that humid warm evening where we went to the Angus Barn in Durham and had a delicious steak?”. I want to ask my son if he liked all those big trucks on the street which are much bigger than what we see at home.

I can’t. I can try to capture as much as I want on photographs but at the end of the day it will only be my memory.

There is still a long flight ahead of me and many thoughts to come and words to write but for now I just stare out of the window, let my eyes be blinded by the white clouds we fly through, and dream away so that my soul rests. I’m getting closer to home, the place where my heart beats faster and feels more at ease, surrounded by my family and hugged and kissed. Soon.

It’s 11pm and we just departed – that’s 5am in Germany already and means we will surely not arrive as planned.

First we were getting a one-hour delay due to bad weather conditions, which I personally love so much. The incoming plane wasn’t allowed to land on time because of heavy rain. Great! And I’m sitting at the airport and wonder if we are allowed to start once the plane is there or if these weather conditions influence our start as well. I already thought about a bumpy ride back. 

But – because of late arrival – our plane got an outside parking position to be fast ready to go (instead of waiting for a free gate). Sounds good, right? Our plane also got covered stairs for us! They care that we are not getting wet on the way from the shuttle to the plane, wohoo. Another plus!

Did I say stairs? I’d rather become wet instead after what happened then. It took the ground staff in Toronto over an hour to get exactly these stairs DEtached. It sounds like a joke but that really happened.

Means we are now in total 3 hours behind and I hate it. 

But why do I hate it? 

I could list several reasons why. I’m tired and hungry, it will take three more hours until I’m finally back home, this week was already long enough, all these things are annoying.

But, what if all of this happened for a reason?

What if we would have ended up in a thunderstorm when departing on time, what if?

There are a million things in life where we won’t be able to find answers, to know why it happened exactly the way it does. But what we know is what is now. Now I am sitting on a plane. I am fine, food will come soon and then I can sleep.  When I wake up I will be much closer to my loved ones. All is fine!

Trust and focus on the good and all is fine. 

The end of the story are indeed hugs and kisses. A tired mom who plays for hours, trying to catch up on the missed time, lots of stories to tell and a warm feeling inside of me to be where I belong. Looking back you may even say that all these thoughts were not necessary, but no, they were. And they will always be, because they are me, all of this is me. Reflecting, thinking, dreaming, listening, hoping, discovering, and so much more is within these thoughts that I will never stop cherishing these full-moon nights, these lonely moments where you are grounded even in a plane across an ocean. This is life.

If you want to read more from me – just jump into my archive and see what post it guides you to. Life is about trust, maybe you pick exactly what you need at this time.

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Don’t let Doubt be your Friend!

Don’t let Doubt be your Friend!

One of the lessons learned and believe me, this wasn’t an easy one.

It is natural I guess – throughout or life we are doubting… if we are on the right path, doing the right thing, meeting the right people … this is needed as check or ourselves. We build up confidence like that as well.

Doubt becomes a problem when we doubt more than being sure we did something right.

When I write don’t let doubt be your friend I don’t mean it should be your enemy, you will need it, until the end of your life, like a person you meet once in a while but not regularly. Like this person you know your whole life which tells you after a couple of years that you look great, that you changed your style and it suits you, that you were always adored for your skills in whatever, you get what I mean I hope. This person can also tell you that the old car was better than the new you have chosen, but in the end you are driving that car and you need to be feeling good in it.

What are you doing with the car for instance? You may reconsider changing it back because this person had some proper arguments, or you stop thinking about it because it was well thought over in first place?

Doubt is ALWAYS just an adjuster or a confirmer, it is rarely a complete changer but more a lesson learned.

But what if you think you are doing the right thing and all of a sudden Mr. Doubt shows up regularly? He considers himself your new friend and crawls into your life. He is telling you his opinion whenever he can and it’s always the opposite of what you were considering to be right. He starts to drain your energy because it is not easy to be criticized for every step you make. And it’s wrong!

Many may have this colleague who’s acting like that, or even a boss.

Believe me, a good colleague or a well-trained manager would NEVER make you doubt everything. they would make you aware if something isn’t going to the right direction and offer advise, training or help to fix it.

I doubted – too much, so much that I fell exhausted into my bed in the evening because I felt NOT ENOUGH. From the depth of my heart I knew that I did the right thing(s). I even knew it because I got feedback from many others but that one stupid Mr. Doubt was so present and so nagging with his comments that I started to doubt – more and more.

He stepped into my life as if he was an old friend but that’s not true. I knew him and I met him once in a while but I never considered him to be one of my close friends. The opposite, I was always happy when he disappeared and his permanent presence made me feel not good at all, not sufficient and not enough.

I had to learn this and especially I had to learn to tell him STOP!

Stop for the sake of my health – mentally and physically. Once this step was done it felt better because I gained my worth back. My knowledge that has been built up over the years could not be completely wrong as Mr. Doubt tried to make me believe. I was able again to hold my head up high and face him and tell him that he will not succeed in breaking me, because this is what he wanted as my “friend”.

Doubt is like a toxic person

We all know them and we all know that we should keep them very distanced as they otherwise would start to influence our life (and not in a good way).

Almost a year later I am sitting here typing, my stomach still hurts and seems twisted from time to time which is a reminder of what I went through. I’m not complaining because in the end I know who I am and what I am worth! In the end Mr. Doubt and his companions are the poor ones. They will never be happy in their life because as long as you are constantly criticizing others you ignore your own problems which probably are more intense than I can imagine them to be.

We are all human beings, we are all not perfect and that is perfectly fine!

We are supposed to make mistakes to learn and grow. We are exactly where we should be and if someone makes you start to doubt be careful. We can support, we can share experiences, we can give a helping hand, but if we start to put ourselves higher and make others doubting their worth we are the problem, not the other persons!

The struggle to accept and realize that not everyone is my friend even though they pretend to be was long and intense and I don’t want to go through it once again. But truly, I am more mindful and focused than ever before. I’m thankful to know that not I was the problem but others.

If you read my blog before you have an idea of how I think and in this case I could be mad, I could start to hate persons who tried to harm me but that’s not me.

Karma will catch them sooner or later!

I don’t want to poison my thoughts with hatred, I don’t want to invite negativity to my life and I don’t want to hate. To focus on what’s positive in all this is much more rewarding and makes me happier than giving attention to the bad. It doesn’t mean that I ignore, no, I acknowledge, analyse, take my lesson out and then put it aside as it no longer serves me.

I truly hope that whenever you doubt you don’t let these thoughts taking over the reigns – they won’t guide you in a good way. Doubt is not supposed to be permanently present but occasionally only.

Always tell yourself that you are doing the best you can at that time in your life and you are learning along the way. At every second you are where you are supposed to be as the best version of you.

You are worth to kick Mr. Doubt out if he starts to approach you more than you can take. It’s your life!

Stay strong and never doubt the wholeness of your being!

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Center Yourself exactly where you are…

Center Yourself exactly where you are…

That’s your starting point – being aware of where you are right now is the most important to start moving.

If you want to go into the Yoga tree you need to make sure you know the floor you are standing on. Is it uneven, do you stumble, are there stones, is it possible to slip? Only when you know where you stand you can lift up one leg and still stand steady.

The very same counts for everything in your life – only when we are fully aware of the NOW we are confident to step forward.

Center yourself, listen, feel, breathe – all that you are right now is important. This brings you not only mindfully into the present, it grounds you and makes you completely aware of what you need right now.

If I know where I am I can start going without being afraid to get lost – I will find my way back if needed. But if I’m lost I may not find what I’m looking for because I have no idea where to head to. This may be fine, we all know that often out of these lost times something great emerges. BUT to grasp the greatness that approaches I need to see it. Most probably I won’t realize what’s in front of me when I am not centered and grounded.

When we want to drive somewhere with our car we need to make sure each time that we have fuel and that we have the keys to ignite the engine – without we won’t go anywhere.

When we wake up in the morning we need to ignite our life flame. What are we burning for, do we have enough energy (fuel) for what we want to reach? These questions are important to stay sane.

In my lowest low period I may not start to move mountains but I may be creative and work in silence. On my highest high I may be overflowing with energy and may not bundle it to quiet my mind for something that needs lots of concentration but I may be able to physically work on something, flow through a powerful day or lift other up in being full of positivity.

We have all in us, from the lowest low to the highest high and so many stages in between that we need to adjust.

If we try to go against the nature of our being we will long-term ruin ourselves. That’s why it’s important to check on ourselves and even if our day starts powerful we may slip into a low throughout the day, then take a moment and re-adjust.

The power of mindfulness is so so so damn important if we want to stay healthy and sane! We are workers and doers, we are mothers and fathers, wives and husbands, cleaners and cooks, drivers and guides. We are so much and nobody will tell you to take a minute and listen into yourself while doing all those tasks day in and day out.

We are responsible to be mindful with our life, with our body and soul. We need to listen and accept, the accepting part is often the hardest. We listen, and we know it’s time to stop. But we often ignore this inner voice and risk our well-being instead of adjusting to what we are right here and right now.

Self-care! At the end of the day it’s our own responsibility to take care of ourselves. In low and in high times, in happiness and in sadness, all these times are important; only if we embrace the low and trust that we will be fine again we will be able to embrace the high.

There is no always happy life and even if it seems sometimes so from an outside position we need to trust that all that happens is important. We only grow, and we even grow more during the low times than during the high ones. Many creative minds worked on their masterpieces while being deeply sad or broken – this doesn’t mean that we need to like these times, but we need to love ourselves even more then.

Only if we accept that we are all, all the emotions and feelings that run through us, only then we will be able to create a life we want to live. And even then we will have times where we would like to bury our heads under the blanket and that’s OK! That’s what life is all about – learning, feeling, growing, loving, enjoying, crying, teaching, sharing. Take all and embrace the whole.

Center Yourself exactly where you are…

…because you are worth it, you are deserving it and you are in charge of your life. Take care!

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Six years ago…

Six years ago...

Six years ago…

Six years ago I would’ve never pictured my life the way it is now.

Six years ago I planned my first single vacation in Italy

Six years ago I tried to become happy again just on my own and with myself.

Six years ago I was far away from thinking about my own wedding.

Six years ago I was not thinking that a man would step into my life and turn it upside down so quickly.

Six years ago I wasn’t even aware where exactly Libya is on the map (I knew Northern Africa, but that’s all I knew).

Six years ago I wasn’t able to touch my toes easily.

Six years ago I never imagined myself being a yogi.

Six years ago I never thought that I will have my own blog.

Six years ago I tried to get more balance in my life.

Six years ago I wouldn’t have cooked lamb meat.

Six years ago I thought Prada shoes are what I desperately need.

Six years ago my life was completely different.

Six years ago I had not the slightest idea of how wonderful motherhood feels like.

Six years ago I didn’t know that I would have a sweet family of three in a few years.

Six years ago I had no idea where Libya is.

Six years ago I just wanted to put my head under the blanket and wait for better times.

Six years ago I told myself I had to look up again.

Six years ago I thought all doors are closed.

Six years ago I wasn’t able to imagine how loved I will be six years later.

Six years ago are thankful six years ago and there were so so so many lessons learned since then. Life changes and so did I – taking a step back to see where I am today is good. I look back and am thankful, thankful of how it all turned out, thankful of the past, thankful of each single tear, thankful of being strong enough to change what can be changed and thankful that I am today right here, right now.

How was your life six years ago?

Greetings from the past but living and loving the now from misssfaith

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A birthday post…

A birthday post…

…yes, it is my birthday today, and yes, I’m staying home and work normally like each Monday.
And no, I’m not lonely or weird (kind of lonely as I would love to have my husband around, but that’s another story). For weirdness, hello, it’s my birthday, so nobody can say today that I’m weird even if I may be from time to time a bit out of the range of “normal”.
I’m just not this “Heyyyy, it’s my big day and I HAVE to celebrate it”-type of woman.

I honestly like my birthday because it means I’m still here and I’m growing older, getting more wise sometimes, learn more, and have a day where the courier pops by to deliver nice surprises. Not celebrating doesn’t mean I don’t like gifts!
Mom is baking each year something I love and sends it frozen so that I can start to eat the yummie things right after arrival.
My parents, my sister and friends (which are all not living near) are sending greetings and presents and I love it.
Being on Facebook means that at least once per year my timeline is full of new posts and this is the reason why I started this one here.

Ok, I’m one year older and it’s a sign of good behavior to congratulate. I learned that as well when I grew up. But, and that’s a big but, why do people think I don’t like my age?
I got messages this morning like “all the best to your 28. birthday” or “Happy hatch day”.

I’m 36!!!
I’m neither losing my mind and think I’m younger than I am nor am I a chicken!
What do these people think?
Earlier when I had my sister on the phone I was suggesting to write on Facebook later today the following entry:

“Thanks for all congratulations today! Just to clarify, I like my age and I’m hardly doubting that I have a hatch day as my mom confirmed she went through labour 36 yrs ago. For the ones who mentioned the word hatch or a number which is far away of my real age – thanks for being my “friends” throughout the last years but I think I have to get rid of your profiles through to unbridgeable differences in thinking and growing. Getting older means being more mature and sorry to say that, but as you seem to remain at 28 over even younger (hatch) I’d rather say goodbye instead of ripping my nerves.”

Would that be too rude?

And what can I do about all these online shops which are sending me emails today?
I was thinking to reply back to each single one:
“Dear (amazon, iTunes, Miles&more, Dove, Biotherm, L’Occitane, Cosmopolitan, Elle, miu miu, Harrods, Tiffany, Lafayette,…I think you’ve got it, so I don’t list all the others.),
It’s really nice that you took the time for checking your calendar and realized that it’s my birthday today.
Also thanks for sitting down and writing such nice words just for me to honor my day but instead of offering me a discount of 10% with a minimum order of 150€ or a free mascara with a minimum order of 75€ or something similar may I explain something?
If I’m not wrong the birthday should be a day where I receive gifts and gift means, according to Wikipedia, the following:
A gift or a present is an object given without the expectation of payment.
Although gift-giving might involve an expectation of reciprocity, a gift is meant to be free.
In many human societies, the act of mutually exchanging money, goods, etc. may contribute to social cohesion.
Economists have elaborated the economics of gift-giving into the notion of a gift economy. By extension the term gift can refer to anything that makes the other happier or less sad, especially as a favour, including forgiveness and kindness.

Said this I want to point out that if you want to make me happier or less sad I attached a list of objects – you can choose whatever you want as all of them would make me happier.
The shipping address is added and I look forward to see what the surprise will be in the end.
If you can’t decide as the list is too long, don’t worry, no one said a birthday gift can only be one item.

Thanks for your understanding and best regards,
Miss Faith”

Writing this post already made me happier to be honest.
You can start to congratulate now if you like – haha.
Have a good day and take care!

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My window into a new life

My window into a new life

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You see the window on this picture, that’s “my” window, it was taken while we were on our first holidays on Cyprus.
My husband gave me the sight back – I was blind, blind in regards to life.
Too many struggles, never ending thoughts, resignation, running in circles, I simply lost the view towards my own future. Life was mainly dark and silent and then he stepped all of a sudden into my life and was so optimistic.
Life is not easy but we should live it as whatever is meant to happen will happen – his faith. We are both faithful persons but in complete different meanings.
What counts is the outcome – being able to love yourself, listen to your heart, trust others, look forward instead of living in the past.

The past is not our life anymore so we need to let it go.

This window is special as it was in an old castle and the way up scared me, always the abyss in sight and for me far too close to the car.
He reassured me, nothing will happen.
He was wrong – something happened – within me!

I trusted because he was confident to take us up there safe.
I looked forward to discover the ruins.
I enjoyed this amazing view with his arms around me, safe and sheltered.
And most important – I was absolutely sure that this view will change my life, this view we enjoyed together, the old ruins we discovered but then left behind like our past.

Sometimes you need to fall, but there will always be one person helping you getting back on track if you struggle and are scared of making it on your own.
I was on the edge of my own darkness, I crawled up slowly throughout the year before these holidays and I have to thank him for dragging me out there before I may fall in again.
This last piece of the way was what stopped me. Maybe because I had no aim to walk towards to.
Love is a great power in both ways, the good and the bad.
Today I can say I found the good, the one that is real and the one where you are loved just the way you are.

 

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Observation during my single vacation

Observation during my single vacationI already wrote about my first single vacation in Italy and just stepped about notes I made on one of the last days being there.
What I wrote down is the following “observation” I made while sitting alone in a gelateria with an astonishing sea view:
Never ever do I want a relationship like the ones I saw abundantly during these holidays. Bad educated, spoiled children, parents which fight each other beyond words if they should go for a swim in the midday heat or if the junior, who didn’t had proper breakfast, is allowed to have ice cream or not.
Wife and child just leaving the husband/father behind like a fool although he may has been the one working the whole year to afford these lovely family holidays alà dolce vita and couples not able or willing to break the silence which may exist between them since years.
No wonder that these poor fools die-away looking after single women – whereas they probably wouldn’t if they knew what’s on my mind. Your own fault, you douche bag, you should be able to create your own life and it seems as if you aren’t able to do so. I honestly rather accept a few skeptical glances instead of not being able to decide if I eat three ice creams in a row and lay down to catch sunshine in the midday heat. I even could go for a swim in the middle of the night if I like or skip breakfast and eat Pizza in the morning.
Women wearing these not fashionable trekking sandals (while sitting is a cafe and now trekking area within miles), too dumb to use an iPhone, meal-rimmed glasses on their noses, unvarnished and hair on the head which needed a makeover weeks ago – can they honestly believe that this is attractive? A short khaki colored skirt with senseless stitched on pockets will not improve the overall picture, even not if you look at the not pedicured feet…
Some women are wearing jewelry, these are unornamental, even if they believe that the all inclusive ribbon is posh…

Now thinking about these scenes I’m still laughing and more than happy that my relationship is far away from entering this stage (mashalla – let it stay like this). If it would nearly go into this direction I will step back to this post and remember that I never ever want to be like this! In this short observation are already so many things I don’t like that I don’t anticipate me in a situation like this. Fighting in public AND in front of the kids about nonsense, my husband longing for other women because his is not making any effort to be attractive to him any longer…sorry to say this now, but women who stop to be women because they are wives and mothers shouldn’t be too astonished if their husbands are starting to look after other skirts. I don’t say it’s an easy job to handle all at once but everyone needs time outs so why not using them for painting toenails or having the hair done every now and then?
Regards from a fresh manicured Miss Faith!

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