Six years ago…
Six years ago I would’ve never pictured my life the way it is now.
Six years ago I planned my first single vacation in Italy
Six years ago I tried to become happy again just on my own and with myself.
Six years ago I was far away from thinking about my own wedding.
Six years ago I was not thinking that a man would step into my life and turn it upside down so quickly.
Six years ago I wasn’t even aware where exactly Libya is on the map (I knew Northern Africa, but that’s all I knew).
Six years ago I wasn’t able to touch my toes easily.
Six years ago I never imagined myself being a yogi.
Six years ago I never thought that I will have my own blog.
Six years ago I tried to get more balance in my life.
Six years ago I wouldn’t have cooked lamb meat.
Six years ago I thought Prada shoes are what I desperately need.
Six years ago my life was completely different.
Six years ago I had not the slightest idea of how wonderful motherhood feels like.
Six years ago I didn’t know that I would have a sweet family of three in a few years.
Six years ago I had no idea where Libya is.
Six years ago I just wanted to put my head under the blanket and wait for better times.
Six years ago I told myself I had to look up again.
Six years ago I thought all doors are closed.
Six years ago I wasn’t able to imagine how loved I will be six years later.
Six years ago are thankful six years ago and there were so so so many lessons learned since then. Life changes and so did I – taking a step back to see where I am today is good. I look back and am thankful, thankful of how it all turned out, thankful of the past, thankful of each single tear, thankful of being strong enough to change what can be changed and thankful that I am today right here, right now.
How was your life six years ago?
Greetings from the past but living and loving the now from misssfaith
Who am I and where am I is maybe the better title.
I am just sitting here in a quiet flat (if you can ignore the washing machine and dryer in the background), my son sleeps and my husband is at work.
It’s Saturday afternoon and I have finally time just for myself.
The whole week was insanely busy – our bathroom is renewed which means that we had workers in the flat EACH day and really EARLY in the morning.
As a home office worker that’s great because you don’t have to leave them unattended, but honestly, no bathroom is a nightmare and strangers in the flat as well.
The whole week I was rushing my son in the morning to the kita, followed by a day of work and answering questions like “where is the heater”, “why wasn’t that done years ago” and “where do you want the towel holder”. When I finished work I rushed back to pick up my son, followed by quick grocery shopping before starting to cook at home (not to mention that each day I had to remove layers of dust which found their way outside of the bathroom within seconds, even in the last corner of the living room we found it.
I am happy that it’s weekend (even if the bathroom isn’t ready as promised) but at least there is time to re-charge.
And while I’m sitting here this question popped up in my mind – who am I?
This week I was only a mom and an employee, barely a wife and just me was almost invisible.
There are seldom days where I’m just me because with a toddler you are a 24/7 mom, but that’s fine, I like it (most of the times) and I wanted exactly this.
I’m a wife too and the combination of me, mom and wife is really great, just recently I have the feeling as if the employee is taking far too much time and I’m hardly able to be the rest.
I am also a yogi, if I’m lucky for half an hour per day, sometimes less and sometimes more.
Whom I’m missing recently are the artist, the jewelry maker, the relaxed and the shopping me, they are hiding themselves somewhere and I need to dig hard to find them I think, but I know that they are there.
Also the reading one seems to got lost along the way, I try so hard but after a few sentences I cannot keep my eyes open on most of the days.
I know that these times change and I know that it is all worth it in the end. I just have to look into the eyes of my son to know that this overflowing pure love is the greatest gift in life, everything else is a plus, an extra, something I will have time for when he’s older.
I also lost some mes along the way and that’s great, I’m happy that I’m not them anymore. That doesn’t mean I didn’t like them, they were wonderful the way they were, they are just not important any more and their time is over. There was the single and the undecided twen, the partying and the what cost’s the world one, the newly hired and the where do I wanna be in 20 years one, the blindly in love and the sad and depressed one, I look back and say thanks to all of them, you made me the person I am today and I won’t miss anyone of you.
Who are you right now? And are you happy with the others vanishing or hiding? Who won’t show up again?
Questions over questions, I’d love to read your stories.
Crazy days of motherhood
Life ain’t always easy…
After a working day, without the still breastfed toddler at home, I thought I pick him up in the kindergarten and quickly jump into the supermarket to buy a few things.
Bad bad bad idea, that was the worst idea I ever had.
I think there is a breastfeeding brain which is similar to the pregnancy dementia.
I’m sitting just now in the back of our car, toddler is drinking half asleep from a breast the size of a giant melon.
I was barely able to focus on what I wanted to buy, forgot the soup but didn’t care because the main goal was to get somehow back to the car without fainting or crying or both because of the milk overproduction.
When I went into the supermarket I thought all is fine until all of a sudden this insanely pain was hitting me and the mean part is, without warning, in waves, just as if it wants to pinch me once in a while to tell me there are more important things than food for mom – food for the toddler is ready.
Whoever said breastfeeding is all snuggling and lovely and precious and nice (which it of course is very often) forgot that it can be painful and raw like this as well.
As soon as he latched I felt the first small relief, after 5 minutes I felt already better and not scared anymore.
If you are alone with your child in a big store and feel so crappy it is scary, isn’t it?
For me thoughts run weird and uncontrolled through my mind. It’s similar to a panick attack which is hitting you out of the blue without upfront warning.
What if I would faint?
Would I fall in a direction, onto my child or just collapse – why did I put him in the carrier – he’s in danger if I faint – is my husband at work answering the phone if someone would call him now – what was that stabbing sensation in my left breast – who’s taking care of my son – or was it from the heart – how should he get up to here when I have the car – calm down, you won’t faint, it’s just too much milk – he will be completely scared if mommy isn’t there – get out here as fast as you can – now it seems to be better – no, the pain comes in waves – do I leave or grab some more milk, better go, right?
This is a thought-circle which I cannot stop at that moment although I know very well that instead of calming down it’s pushing me more into the panicking corner.
Am I the only one who has these thoughts?
We start to relax now, the fear subsides and life comes back, how glad I am today for this car. Sitting here is like a shelter, it’s our little place to securely and safe with locked doors get back to a normal state. I wrote in another post about our messy car but in exactly this moment I’m so thankful that we have everything inside that car – a blanket to cover my little boy who’s really sleepy now, a bottle of water for me to drink something while feeding him, I could even charge my phone if I want to but right now we are fine.
Who needs soup?
I put the sleeping precious milk vampire into his car seat, cover him with his elephant blanket, check my shirt if all is covered again before I leave the backseat and start the engine to drive us home.
Thanks for these days because sometimes I need exactly that to realize how blessed we are and how happy I can be that we have all these possibilities.
What’s one of your crazy motherhood experiences?
Daily Mindfulness is so easy
Seriously, we often forget how easily we can have small time-outs because we are too stressed to realize.
Life is not that complicated, we make it complicated.
Are you showering? What question is that you may ask now.
Did you ever try to shut down your thoughts while being in the shower and started to be aware of the moment?
Raise your awareness instead of thinking about what to do next. Listen to the sound of the water, smell the soap, really smell it. Watch the water and follow it’s path, one drop against the tile, it’s slowly running down and ends up in the puddle your’re standing in. Realize how your hair becomes softer when it’s getting wet, see the chicken pox on your arm when you turn the water off. This shower experiences is like a little spa visit for free. You will feel better afterwards than before if you give yourself these little brain time-outs.
Another daily mindfulness idea is going for a walk. You don’t have to walk an hour if you don’t like walking because it’s not really about the walking itself, it’s more about the whole experience. You step outside and actively feel and see and smell where you are.
What sound does it make when you walk, are your shoes making a sound or the surface you are walking on and how does it change when you step on another surface from tar to grass for instance. What are you doing with your arms, are they swinging, are you walking with your hands in your pockets? Is your breathing different? Listen to your breath, try to calm it down while you are walking and inhale deeply, how does it feel?
Do you see the little birds along the way or the trees which are loosing all leaves right now? There are so many little things we don’t see when we daily rush by and it’s beautiful to realize them one after the other.
So, and for how long were you walking now, because the best thing is that you start to loose track of time and all of a sudden you were walking much longer than anticipated. These are the precious moment which energize you and give you the power to go through the really stressful times for example at work.
I have lots of other examples but will end up with giving you my favorite third one.
Lay down – yeah, that’s a great one, isn’t it?
If you read my blog for a while you know that I love Yoga and when I say “lay down” I mean laying down in a yoga way.
One wonderful asana (yoga pose) to relax is Supta Baddha Konasana or the reclined bound angle:
Actually my aim was to show you a picture of me in one of my favorite relaxing positions but try to make some yoga pictures when your toddler in running around you.
The result was the following:
That’s life with children and it’s so worth it!
You’ll find millions of pictures on the web but this moment will last a lifetime.
Back to the relaxation pose – besides this reclined bound angle there are several other Yoga poses which are not complicated at all but give you instantly a time out and also time to focus on something completely different.
Child’s Pose is one, it relieves back pain and when you lay your forehead on the floor you will have new sensations I assume you never did since a while – did you smell the floor? I like our wooden floor as it has a wonderful smell which I only can realize when I am like that on the floor.. Outside in the grass is great as well, when the grass is tickling your nose and you close your eyes and just feel the earth below you.
If it comes to relaxing yoga poses I could go ahead for a while I assume, but the essence is that you do what feels good for you and that you just start to open your mind to what surrounds you at that very moment.
It’s indeed much easier than we think as life is not that complicated, it’s all about feeling, tasting, smelling, being, living – mindful moments are present every second of our life, we just have to raise our awareness to appreciate them instead of rushing through our life as if we are hunted. We aren’t, we are here to live this life we have.
What are your mindful moments? What do you like to do to feel yourself again?
I would be happy to know your thoughts.
Wintertime – Oh how I missed you
The winter time is really close now and if you don’t want to stay inside for the next months to come here are a few ideas on what you can do outside.
Living with a toddler means for me fresh air is a MUST. Children need to be outside and explore the world no matter if it’s snowing or raining – properly dressed every weather is good weather and that counts for us adults as well.
We live in Munich and instead of walking the known ways around our home it’s fun to explore new ways. Step out and turn left instead of right, cross a road you never crossed before and see what’s on the other side. Thanks to smartphones we won’t get lost, don’t worry.
You will see “your” city from a whole new perspective.
A walk in the park.
Parks are wonderful places for each season of the year. The autumn is almost over and you will barely find chestnuts by now but wait for the first snow, the park will look completely different again when it’s covered in snow.
Besides that, if you have children, parks are great to let your children run without being scared they end up on the street. The air in parks is better as well so deep breathing while walking will give you a whole new energy.
Wellness in Winter
We can’t wait for the real dark and cold days because what we love to do once in a while is drive to a spa.
Steam bath, outside swimming are with hot water, sauna, oriental hammam, wrapped in flushy bath robes life is great. The last time we went was when I was pregnant so it’s really time to do that again. This time our little son will join and there are wonderful spas with kids areas as well.
My husband can’t wait for them to start just for the simple reason that he loves the bavarian “Reiberdatschi” which is grated potatoe fried in oil and served with applesauce or creme fraiche.
Christmas Markets are wonderful, they are lovely lighted up and you smell something else in every corner. Handmade soaps are sold as christmas presents, spices to bake are available, everything looks warm and cozy even if it’s deepest winter.
Go into the nature
Forests as well as lakes are great destinations in winter. The snowy frozen forest smells so fresh, I literally would love to bottle up that air and take it home with me. Maybe you can take a slide if you are with children, they love to sit there covered in blankets when they are tired of walking.
Lakes have also a very special atmosphere in winter. They often look a bit foggy and mysterious. If they are really really small or if it’s really really cold you may be lucky to find one where you can walk on. The sound of the cracking ice is a wonderful sound as it often echoes over the lake (just make 100% sure that it’s allowed and secure – if not stay on the shore!).
I’m sure there are lots of things which can be done in winter, these are my five highlights and I can’t wait to enter the real winter time just to do all of the above.
What do you love most in winter – what could you recommend?
I’m happy to get more tips.
Take care and stay warm!
Daily habits of gratitude
The year is ending and it’s time to recap (as each year) – what was good, what was bad, what could have been better and how. People tend to start thinking about their life when days are shorter and the dark time is longer, they become even slightly depressive and make big plans on new years resolutions not to be in the same misery at the end of the coming year but is it helping?
Are new years resolutions worth the time at all? I don’t think so.
Most people I know started happily into the new year, proud that they managed 5 days in a row not to eat meat for instance. And then?
Latest in February everything is over and on thanksgiving the turkey is filled even with bacon and they start to dwell about what they have to change for the year to come.
A vicious circle, isn’t it?
I don’t like resolutions at all, I don’t like to promise myself that I do something over and over again just because it may sound good as a Facebook post and probably will bring me a hand full of likes and loves and shares.
What I like is to do something because I want to do it from the bottom of my soul, something which won’t let me down if I miss one day or two. Something which adapts to my way of living while changing my way of living.
Gratitude – gratitude is so easy if we open our minds and it will change your mood instantly, I promise!
Thinking about something you are grateful for is an easy task which directly guides your thoughts into a positive way of thinking. I don’t know someone who is grateful for the spilled coffee in the morning. But I assure you that you will be in a good mood when thinking about the colleague who was so kind helping you cleaning the floor where you spilled your coffee and the nice chat you had while doing so.
Your day won’t be over when you miss one day of thinking about grateful moments, it still will be a normal day, you won’t feel bad because if you would you directly start to think about something positive again. You see, it’s another vicious circle, this time a very positive one.
Do we need big life changers? I don’t think so. What we need is a level of awareness.
We are here now, this very moment is a moment to be grateful for. I’m sitting and writing while my son sleeps and life is calm and quiet. I don’t hear bad news and I don’t feel cold or sick. I try to motivate people with what I’m writing and that’s good. This is a simple moment, nothing fancy and exciting, BUT it is a moment I’m grateful for, right here, right now.
I hope you see the point I try to make and I hope you have days full of these grateful moments because what we need in life is a series of good times plus the willingness to see the good which is coming after the bad (yes, bad moments happen, I cannot deny that). The art of living is to turn everything into something you can be grateful for.
That’s not easy, indeed not, but it is so damn worth it, believe me.
Instead of crying start to smile, instead of shouting start to whisper, give it a serious try and you will see, it works. Not always, that’s for sure and good, only if we experience the crying and shouting we know why we should smile and whisper.
I try to wrap it up and I don’t find a proper sentence – this is my imperfect life just now just here and I love it.
Share these thoughts if you like, it would make me happy and would give me another grateful moment – if you don’t want that’s good as well because my life is not depending on one moment, it depends on a series of moments as does yours.
Take care and be grateful.
Do you know these families who have a certain area around their home for the first years after a child was born?
"Aurora needs her nap time in her bed."
"Lucas is not sleeping anywhere else."
Or worse, the parents who need the whole children equipment from bottle warmer to rocking chair, the ones who are not able to improvise and stick to their patterns.
We are not like that, neither our child nor we.
We love to travel and the easiest for me ist to travel by car.
You throw all you need inside and off we go.
We spent already lots of time in the car so it's a bit like a second home.
If you don't expect it you'll find a diaper (often when you indeed need it) or jacket which we thought lost.
Yes, it's a bit messy and I admit that we are at the end of October and we still have the beach umbrella in the back and Tuscan sand on the floor, that's us and I love it!
The best of these messy details is that they don't matter, what matters is that we have a big radius around home already and that we know we can go in whatever direction and we are happy.
A travelling toddler who sleeps everywhere is worth the mess.
His seat is based on cookie crumbs and our family is based everywhere.
He sleeps apparently everywhere when he is tired. What he needs is the reassurance that we are around and that he is safe with us.
Everything else doesn't matter, it can be loud or quiet, sunny or dark, crowded or peaceful, when he is tired he grabs our hand or hugs us tight and off to the land of toddlerdreams.
But what about sleeping times and nap times?
We don't have them.
And before someone starts to argue how important steadiness is…we love that we don't have them!
He is 18 months old, he sleeps when he's tired, he eats when he's hungry and we give him the freedom to grow without a strict schedule as much as we can.
Latest with 6 years when he starts school this life is over as he cannot go to school when he likes or stays in bed longer in the morning when he's supposed to be in his class.
What are 6 years compared to a lifetime?
We should cherish these first six years where our kids are mainly free little birds.
The kindergarten (Kita) for kids under three started for us in September and he's doing it great.
He has a nap time there and he's actually napping and he eats when they all eat.
Children are able to adapt quickly and they know which rules apply where so why should we limit his freedom at home?
We are now on our way to my parents and he sleeps in his car seat next to me while I'm writing and my husband drives, this is our on the road life, one glance at it.
Most people tend to make life more complicated than it is. What is really important, especially with children?
Now! Now is all we should focus on. Our children could be our teacher because they know how it works by heart.
BE HERE NOW (look at your child and soak in the love).
At the end of the day WE are important, the core of our beings.
Our travelling toddler is happy, and so are we ♥️ that's the essence of life, isn't it?
Are there still real blogs or is everyone sponsored?
I would lie if I wouldn’t think about sponsored blog posts, it’s nice if you get something for your work, isn’t it?
I mean, honestly, I write because I love to write and I publish my writing because?
Because I would love to start discussions, receive some feedback, connect with others BUT this won’t happen. It’s not happening because this tiny blog here is my hobby.
I’m not professional when it comes to setting up a blog because I have no time for it – I’m a mom, a full-time worker, a wife, a woman, I cannot be as professional as someone who works in that area.
But what I am, and this is something I can ensure, I am real.
So what? I am happy and thankful for the few readers I have and my eyes light up whenever I receive a comment on one of my posts because it’s something special.
I may not be perfect but who is?
What I wonder about indeed is this whole influencer story. What means influencer? I try to influence my readers, followers, friends, family, correct?
Do I want to influence or rather be someone who is showing reality?
This feeling that everyone recently is sooooooo excited and soooooooo in love with each and every new item is something I don’t believe.
Many influencers are sitting in their stylish clean designer house, they drive the newest car and have the happiest marriage, their kids are little dressed up mannequins and life is perfect. That’s what they show us.
But is that what we want to see? Really?
Where are the messy moms who barely are able to shower once per day because either a cranky kid is hanging on her leg or she is just too tired in the evening after a day full of work, grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, kids and who prefer to spend an hour sitting on the floor building wooden castles instead of blow drying their hair for the perfect look?
Where are the wives with not so perfect marriages, the women who would love to wipe a shiny floor again for a YouTube video but who struggle to walk through the house without stepping on toys.
Where are all of you?
Don’t tell me I’m the only one with a messy life, the only one who dreams of a spa weekend (or better week) but who would miss her kids and her husband too much to leave them behind?
I think I knocked myself latest with this post out of the influencer circle unless there is someone out there who wants an authentic opinion.
I like that yogurt because I really like it or I don’t like the yogurt because it sucks. I can explain both scenarios, don’t worry, but I would not tell you it’s so delicious that I recommend it to everyone out there. Maybe you want a messy mom, then this here is my application.
A blog with a handful of real readers, a twitter account that is linked to everything I post but where I have no idea if someone indeed read something there, an Instagram account which I absolutely love and which has quite a decent number of followers but the majority of them is either sleeping 24/7 or lost their phones as interaction is rarely, ah, and my Facebook account, I love facebook but also there the interaction mainly takes place in secret mommy groups instead of public on my profile.
I can recommend everything I like and I indeed do and maybe even be able to influence, but I cannot sell a fridge to a penguin and I don’t want to do that either.
Are you real or are you sponsored?
Today is a gift
We have so so so many reasons to be excited about today.
Far too often we forget about them and start to complain and to feel bad about today. Don’t let this happen.
Start to count your blessings and realize why you should love your life just now, just today:
Health is one of the biggest gifts! Many of us are so used to being healthy that we forget how good it really is. Only when we are sick we start to appreciate the blessing of being healthy. Don't wait to be sick but be thankful now that you are healthy.
Just today, if there is somebody in your life who loves you, you are rich, you have something many people long for. It is terrible to be lonely and you have something so precious.
Don't be loved only, no, do love! You can love and give love as well and it feels wonderful.
And most probably you have not only something to eat but decent food you like. Remember that many people have nothing or not something they can choose but only a bit what keeps them alive. We can eat several times per day whereas others struggle to eat once a day.
There are far too many areas with war on this planet, people who have to leave their homes behind to be safe, who have lost family members, who have an uncertain future ahead. Be grateful for the peace!
Time to read, time to do what you like, time just for yourself even if it's five minutes. There are persons out there with no time left to enjoy life, some need to work 24/7 to feed their families, some need to be alerted every second to avoid dangerous situations, we are lucky to live in such a civilized way that we can enjoy our time.
You are not breathing through a mask and can drink unfiltered water just from the tap? Many people in the world cannot even imagine that this is possible. Air to breathe and water to drink are very rare in some areas on this planet.
This one is tricky as nowadays we cannot be safe anywhere but still we are safe when we compare our life to the life of many others. We visit places without worrying too much and that’s something to be thankful for.
Are you giving? If not try it, it feels so good to give because you receive happiness. Give your neighbor a piece of your cake and you made two persons happy, the neighbor and yourself. Give a smile to a stranger and you receive a smile back. Giving is wonderful!
NOW, that is where we are. Don't worry about the past as it's gone. Now is a new day and you can start freshly into a new day.
Meditation Myths – What You Should not Believe
I always try to explain why I would like to be able to meditate instead of just doing it.
As a mom the main reason is always: Lack of time!
Good excuse, isn’t it?
But honestly, it’s not the lack of time, it’s the weakness of willpower.
Sad but true, we find excuses instead of stepping in.
So just a couple of days ago I decided that I want to change this and start a meditation routine, MY meditation routine.
Give it a few minutes per day! This is a start and everyone can find these five minutes!
But first, while thinking about this topic, I stepped over so many descriptions what meditation is and what it isn’t that I thought I need to write.
Write about what you please SHOULD NOT believe as it may ruin your attempts to find your own way of meditation.
Nothing fits into a certain structure, especially not a meditation.
Most of the people have no idea at all what meditation is.
They see it as an unknown factor and there the myth building starts.
So we have a list of what meditation is NOT but what is it then?
This is the question which has 1001 answers because meditation has a million facets and faces. From my point of view it is something completely unique. Unique as the person itself.
If one person is meditating while walking through nature another one needs a special place and ritual to be able to meditate.
Some are chanting mantras and some need complete silence around them.
Some are able to quiet their mind and some are not but both are meditating.
An indeed wonderful description is the following from Deepak Chopra:
“Meditation is not a way of making your mind quiet, It’s a way of entering into the quiet that’s already there.”
The good news are that we all have it in us! We all have this quiet place somewhere inside of us, this realm for the soul and mind. The way towards it is what let’s us struggle and feel incomplete, stressed and not at ease.
Our minds wander most of the time, it would be strange if we had a quiet mind because we have so many things which influence us daily. What we need is to find a way to find this quite place. One way is to sit down and stop what we are doing.
Mediation is letting go of all of these thoughts and bringing our focus back to one point. And this one point is preferably just a flickering candle or a leave on a tree, nothing that raises further thinking.
That one point can be anything, a song, our breath, a candlelight, a certain sound, chanting, felling ourselves – you see there are many ways to meditate.
Give it a try and just start to surrender to what is, the benefits are limitless.
Good luck and Namaste
Autumn was for me always just another season.
It’s getting darker and winter is approaching us but the past years I wasn’t thinking too much about anything else.
Now, as a mother, I start to cherish the seasons more again.
There’s so much beauty hidden inside and I was stupid not to see it.
I think I was a child the last time I collected chestnuts although it’s really fun.
Only now when my little son stands in front of me with his eyes shining brightly because he found a shiny brown chestnut I start to realise how many wonderful things autumn has for us.
It’s not days getting darker and colder, it’s a whole new world to discover in autumn.
Leaves change their colours and start to dance with the wind when they fall from the trees.
They make wonderful noises when you walk through them. They smell differently once they were falling on the earth.
The sun is still warm and when we run outside we can take the jackets off for a little while.
If we watch the birds we can see that they collect nutshells and little branches for building nests.
The squirrels start to collect nuts to be prepared for the winter.
Mornings are foggy and colder these days but we can see if the days will be sunny or not.
Even rainy days in autumn are wonderful days. We can jump into puddles and laugh loud because it’s so much fun.
So many things I just see now again.
Start to see the world through the eyes of a child and you will rediscover a life full of excitements.
No kid would say that autumn is boring or that they like summer more because they take life as it is and see the wonderful parts in everything.
We can learn so much from our children. This purity and positive approach to life is a gift!
I’m watching my son sleeping while writing and am so so so thankful for being his mom and learning from him a whole new way of living (which I knew once but that seems so long ago that I forgot about it).
Enjoy the autumn – it’s so worth it!
Sleeping without mommy
I’m sitting in the kindergarten and am not believing what I’ve seen.
My son, the little one who sleeps only with me or his dad, is actually sleeping.
It’s the first day where we wanted to try if he may sleep and he’s surprising us all.
This little bunch of energy was on the arm of his kindergarten teacher and she rocked him into sleep.
Help, this is another point which seems to be harder for me as a mom than for him during this integration phase.
My baby does not need me.
I know I know – it’s not true and surely he needs me and I will be there for him until my last breath but these mini steps away from me always show me how grown up he already is.
The tiny baby is walking through his toddler life and he has a strong will and confidence – we gave him the unconditional love and he knows he can count on us.
He trusts and when I say “I pick you up later, my love” he knows that I will be there.
My heart is bursting – I’m so proud of this little fellow ♥️
He was a tiny baby yesterday and today he is already staying a few hours alone in the kindergarten.
Alone, without me, without the one who was by his side since the day he was born.
I remember vividly how this tiny human being was laid on my chest and how good it felt.
My life changed in that second, profoundly; he is the most important person and only if he feels fine and has all he needs I feel fine.
My heart is walking outside of my body, this sounds strange but that’s exactly how it is when you are hit by a love so pure and unique.
And now we are at a stage where I have to leave him, that’s hard, for us, for him and for me.
He doesn’t understand why mommy is leaving, she has been there his entire life.
How can she smile and say goodbye? She’s saying she picks me up later but I have no idea what that later means. I just see her leaving and I don’t want her to leave.
And I, I have to smile and tell my baby goodbye, I see tears welling up because he doesn’t understand and I want to take him and hug him tight and whisper into his ear that all is fine and mommy is here.
Instead I smile and kiss him and leave.
The door closes and I listen, his crying never lasts long, he is quickly distracted by something they offer and I know he’s fine but still my heart aches.
He’s almost 18 months now, one and a half years old, when did that happen, I don’t know.
Motherhood is an amazing roller coaster journey and the speed is crazy.
One moment you find out that you’re pregnant and the next your child starts kindergarten.
Soak in every minute you have, these memories will last a lifetime and there won’t be something nicer than telling your child one day how it started to walk, to eat, when it had the first tooth or said the first word.
Water is one of the #elements which is amazingly indifferent – it can be cold and warm and hot and ice and hard and soft and scary and wild and dark and deep and turquoise and sunflooded and so much more.
Today it was calm and calming – just standing at the shore and watching at the different colours and tiny waves ducks leave when swimming by had a #calmingeffect #howasundayshouldbe
It's autumn and it seems as if we can watch the earth slowing down and preparing for winter.
Leaves change their colours and soon they will fall. #life slows down and so should we.
As a mom of a 17 months old toddler who is incredibly active I cannot remember when I slept for 8 hours in a row.
It must have been before he was born.
Maybe my breastfeeding dementia is tricking me, but seriously: I MISS SLEEPING
How are you all handling it?
There are millions of moms out there who all went a similar path and we are all still here and 99% of hour days purely happy to have awesome kids.
Is it in our genetics?
I truly think so often in the morning that I have no idea how to make it through the day and then in the end I lay with my son in our bed, for him preferably past midnight (early sleeping is for adults, not for babies or toddlers), and fall asleep in the second he sleeps.
If you ask me how I handle it – I have not the slightest idea.
Don't expect answers here – moreover I would love to hear your thoughts – there must be someone who knows it, right?
Famous tips are lots of coffee or wine (which are surely not meant literally) and both won't work as my toddler is still breastfeeding in the morning and evening and night (and sometimes depending on his mood throughout the day) and no, I don't intend to feed him until he is an adult but for the time being it's mostly ok for us.
I'm not superwoman and I would lie if I would say always because there are early mornings or late evenings where I would love to give him a pacifier in his own bed and close the door.
But our was is different, that's how it is and it's perfect the way it is as I love late night snuggles or how he puts his tiny legs on mine to get closer or snuggles up next to my husband in the morning.
And here I am, writing about sleep deprivation and in the end I tell you how cute and lovely and tiny and wonderful my son is and these sleepless nights or mornings are almost forgotten.
Motherhood is magical, isn't it?
We are since two weeks in Italy and simply enjoy this first real family vacation and the dolce far niente (the sweetness of doing nothing) or dolce vita (sweet life) 😊
Here are a few impressions:
Tyrol – we are in Italy
I and the doors – I love to take pictures of doors – this one is in Verona
Verona Centro Storico
Arena di Verona First steps into the sea
San Vincenzo Marina
So much to discover in Volterra
Alabaster near Volterra
What nobody tells you about being a mom
It is the most wonderful thing on earth to become a mom, I sign this sentence every second of my life because it is the ultimate truth!
But, and this but isn’t diminishing the overall happiness, there are times where you ask yourself how to move on. You will, so don’t worry, the question for me is always where the strength is coming from and I haven’t found an answer yet.
What nobody tells you is that you indeed will never sleep like before. Even if you are one of the lucky moms with sleep-through babies or toddlers, the sleep isn’t the same. If the neighbor 2 miles down the road opens a water bottle you will hear it. You are in an alerted state the whole night long, which indeed is great to protect your child. Whenever it breathes somehow strange for your ears you are wide awake.
I enjoyed the luxury of a full year staying at home with my baby and you think that will be like a long vacation – forget that.
Diaper changes are very frequent in the beginning and I mean frequent, as is the feeding routine. There were days where I was breastfeeding 24/7 (at least it felt like it). Spending 2 minutes on your own in the bathroom were the vacation.
Sports, your new hobby will be “running in circles” as this is what happens with a baby. Once you think all is done it will start all over again.
I love to read BOOKS and I always was in denial of getting a kindle or something similar because books need to be out of paper, live, smell. Did you ever try to read a book when the baby sleeps next to you? The light is too much, turning a page sounds as if you are reconstructing the bedroom while your baby should sleep, I’m so glad that I gave in and bought a kindle, otherwise I wouldn’t have read a page in a year.
Now that my baby is a walking toddler he discovers how to make fun of mommy and he’s doing things on purpose. Especially things he shouldn’t do at all. It’s driving you insane when you run after him for the same thing over and over again but the smile on his face because he has so much fun is worth all of it.
I loved every second when he was a baby and every time has its own enchantment.
Now with 14 months he comes on his own to give kisses and to snuggle and there’s nothing more lovely than tiny arms wrapped around your neck – this unconditional love you give from the second your child is born and even before is coming back to you. There is someone who loves you in the purest form of love and who trusts without boundaries.
Were there sleepless night, was their food on the floor, were there diapers everywhere as he found out how to open the diaper box, was there a phone in the toilet, were your keys in the trash bin? EVERYTHING is forgotten at those moments and you are again 100% sure that having a child is the one thing in life which you will always be most proud of and which was the best decision you’ve ever made.
The most important in my life is my son and his well-being – blessed with a wonderful childhood myself I’m trying my best to give him exactly this, a carefree time, building memories, trust, love, understanding, time, time to grow and to discover the world in his own speed, time to spend with his parents, a family, the feeling of being loved and wanted because that’s the truth.
It’s a whole new dimension in life when you become a parent – I thought I had a rough idea on how it would be but I was innocent, only when you are a parent you will be able to partly understand what it’s all about and even then you will doubt if you are doing all right and if you are a good parent.
Believe me, you are!
Our children know more than we do and these little souls know that we are giving all we can to make their life wonderful.
What do you love most about being a mom?
A day in the life of a working mum…without childcare
Let me show you a typical working day with a toddler at home.
8.00 am – 9.30 am – I actually work
9.30 am – the toddler wakes up
Washing him and changing diapers, breastfeeding, carrying him, sitting and rocking , playing, emptying the dishwasher, starting the washing machine, feed him, playing, answering the phone, breastfeed again, dressing him, reading mails in between, answering IMs from colleagues…
…and all of a sudden it’s 11.45 am.
So off to the bed, breastfeeding until he drifts off into sleep.
12.01 pm conference call
12.25 pm – the toddler (who found out recently how to leave the family bed on his own) taps into the room (seriously, only half an hour where I hoped for at least triple that time to get work done).
Breastfeeding number 4 – he still doesn’t want to eat, I tried.
I shift clothes from the washing machine into the dryer, make soap bubbles to entertain my son and try to answer some emails in between.
12.45 pm – I feel like a cow as he’s sitting on my lap latched again – number 5 for today and no end in sight. I truly love it but when you work you wish that he just eats his bread, yogurt, fruit, instead of occupying me every minute of the day (although he has the right for sure).
1.00 pm – my husband is home so that I can finally work properly at least for a while.
1.30 pm – I cooked pasta for my son with the end result that he ate exactly two while I ate the salad from yesterday evening.
It’s now 2.00 pm – I have a conference call soon that needs preparation (at 3.30 pm) and my lovely toddler sits on the floor beside me, makes noises with a paper box and yawns.
At least I can answer emails again – the sound would have disturbed me a year ago but hey, you’re getting used to focus even when it’s completely noisy around you.
2:30 pm – he ate a few bites of bread and the last was spit well chewed on the floor, and not on the wooden part, no, on the carpet so that I need to clean it with more efforts than on the wooden floor. Still no sign of being ready to sleep, I know after 14 months when it makes sense to lay down with him and when not. In his current mood we would spend an hour in the bed and he wouldn’t sleep so I let him play with the hope that he is soon really tired.
3.00 pm – less than 30 min left until my conference call and my toddler isn’t tired at all – the only option will be that he stays with his dad.
3:29 pm and he’s ‘talking’ loudly with his dad in the bedroom – I have a toddler resistant to sleep on some days. He will sleep, exactly then when we would like to go outside and do some grocery shopping.
Just happy that it’s Friday and this work week is almost over.
4.00 pm – he seems to sleep as I don’t hear anything but I can’t check as I need to jump from one conference call into the next, fortunately the last for today.
For this call I only need to listen so I can start to think about what to cook for dinner today and what we need to buy before shops are closing.
5.30 pm – I’m stuck in that call longer than expected and meanwhile all are awake again so I’m sitting on my desk with a muted headset, my son is running around and wondering what mommy is doing, breastfeeding number 6 for today (I’m not sure if I missed some already as it’s so normal these days) and I’m annoyed because I would give everything to just throw the laptop and enjoy the time with my family. But this job is paying lots what we love in our life and quitting is not an option, besides it is a great job at many times but just now I wish I would be a millionaire not caring for such things as conference calls.
Am I the only one or are other working moms also feel guilty not to be there 100% for their children. I’m apologizing so often to him although he won’t understand a word I’m saying that I still need to do this or that before we can play.
It’ll be past 6.00 pm when I finally am off work and then the private stress will start – what do we really need today, is there something that can’t wait until tomorrow? Cooking dinner is hanging like the Damocles sword above me because I long to have a bit time for NOTHING. No thinking, no you need to, you have to, have you already or when will you – just a quiet hour to recharge but that won’t happen until my son sleeps which recently is rarely before midnight.
I send this post now, unfinished, as the rest of the day until I will fall into my bed (or better until I try to go to my side of the bed without waking him up) I won’t find the time anymore. If I don’t send it now it may sit in my drafts for the next weeks.
That’s motherhood, a day of a working mom without childcare, a crazy day with a toddler, that’s my life and even if it is often beyond exhausting I would NEVER EVER change it back.
Stay strong – we are strong!
And stay away of the thought to be perfect, nobody needs to be perfect! My messy hair will be in a bun in 5 minutes to leave the house and if you look around then you will see many imperfections, so no worries. Most important now is a happy toddler and that’s why I’m off into the weekend now. Bye